Who are We Protecting?

I'm confused.  Everyone posts pics of their kids, even unborn babies they love so much. They talk about how they are the center of their Universe. Does anyone seriously think they will have a child they will not love?  Now, I said more when I was going to.  I just don't get it.  I'm not saying raising a child is always easy or the thing we women most want to do.  I've had an unplanned pregnancy.  Ironically, she was our last little caboose. And I have to say that though I didn't think I could do it, nor was I ready---God saw it differently. And He is big enough to either help moms give their child up for adoption or help them raise that baby to love Him.  No baby is a "mistake" or "whoops" by God.  The Bible says He knew us before we were born, that He knit us together in our mother's womb. Psalm 139:13  And what does this fight for rights tell our born children?  That they were the lucky ones?  But, if it had been bad timing...or bad circumstances...or the wrong person...or if the stakes were too high...they wouldn't have been good enough to survive...And do you seriously think they'll believe whatever you have to say?  Except, "I was wrong".  Thus the reason so many women suffer with untold guilt and shame.  And there IS something to that sonogram, that is why no one wants it to be mandatory.  When I first saw little Abby on that screen, no more than a little bean, all my worries and fears, doubts and immaturity went right out the window.  I was ready to fight for HER.  I would have DIED for her.  Not the other way around. I am convinced that very few women would have a different response.  That in itself should tell us something.

What about the mother who loses her baby at 20 weeks?  Does she just snuff it off?  Or, is there a funeral?  Does she need counsel and prayer, meals and condolence?  Does she remember on the anniversary?  I guarantee you she does need all of these things and will remember her baby until her days are gone.

And all along God knew He would help me, give me all that I need, and be my strength when I am weak.  And do you know she has been one of the five biggest blessings of my life?  I wouldn't trade even one day with her for the whole, wide beautiful world.  And I am certain most mothers out there feel the same, even the ones screaming and yelling about their rights.  Just try taking one of their grown babies and see what happens.

Now please know, I know women who have had abortions.  I know women who have put their babies up for adoption.  I am not judging them or anyone else, I am just saying let's use some common sense about women, babies, and life when making these legislative decisions.  These decisions could keep women, whom we claim to be protecting, from undue guilt, shame, physical harm, and psychological trauma.  Because, at the core of every woman is the desire to give and nurture, anytime we go against these natural tendencies we are not protecting women.  We are exposing them, exposing them to self-hatred, self-harm, and a lifetime of regret. What kind of right to choose is that? By the way, all these women I know are unmistakably at the forefront of "Right to Life" movements.  Do you think they changed their minds about who we should be protecting?

A Story Worth Telling

     I am currently reading bits of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris.  My daughter is 16.  Enough said?  I am prayerfully trying to prepare her for the journey of relationships she is about to experience, whether under my roof or not.  I realize I have little time left to truly mold and shape her thoughts, which will in turn affect her behaviour.  I like to skip to the end of books, especially if they're boring or baffling me.  This usually only occurs in self-help/spiritual books.  It's part of me letting go of being a perfectionist and learning that it's okay if I don't like the way an author lays out a book or the last chapter I read leaves me a little stunned.  It's OKAY. I don't have to like everything they say or understand the full intent of the author.  Just understanding their heart is enough.
     While this book is extremely good for youth, it can be summed up in these few sentences, "Follow hard after God, with all your heart, and along the way, look to the right and look to the left...who's standing next to you?  In the meantime don't get bogged down with who's not looking at you or who is.  What is God pouring into you, and what are you giving back to Him?"  Thus I got frustrated tonight and skipped ahead to the chapters that sounded interesting to me.  I'm sure the others are important, but when your daughter is not saturated in a culture of flesh-eating men....well, I felt I needed to cast some vision instead of alerting her to all the dangerous do's and dont's that she might need to deal with along the way.  There will be a time for all of that, but I think I was scaring her to death.  Isn't that a wonderful problem to have?!  I think so!  (BTW, chapters 14-16 are REALLY good!)  And then in honor of Valentine's Day, I felt compelled to tell a little of my story, which is really God's story of redeeming love and forgiveness, guidance and rest.  I hope you find it refreshing and encouraging to your soul as well.
     It was the second day of school, my junior college year.  I had floundered my way relationally through the first two.  I had practically given away my heart and soul the first year to find my soul dead and lifeless, not only to myself but to God.  I had rummaged through boy after boy my entire life looking for something only GOD could give: love.  Love comes from God and no other.  Even in marriage, my friend.  But I wanted it so bad.  I just couldn't grasp it because it was like trying to hold sand in your fist.  But God was lovingly, gently calling me to open my hand and take His. 
     I moved my second year of college.  Leaving behind a small campus and bad memories was a good idea.  I needed that.  Unfortunately, I took bad ideas with me.  It wasn't long before my longing for love  acceptance, & closeness had me trapped like a steel door...again.  I had changed locations but had no change of heart.  Pretty soon God got a hold of me.  Thankfully, He had a plan for me and didn't let go until He got my attention. 
     At a women's retreat I began to see that there were young men out there who treated girls differently (it was a Christian college campus).  They treated them with respect and dignity and most of all they loved God above all else.  I honestly didn't know this existed!  It began to pique my interest.  At that same retreat I told God I wanted to live for Him and stop playing the Devil's games.  He told me I needed to make some hard choices.  I had a boyfriend who "said" he loved God, but I knew deep down he didn't.  It was only to keep me hooked.  He wanted to marry me and I had consented that I would someday.  After that retreat I went home and told him the deal was off, we were only going to be friends.  As you can imagine he didn't like that very much, especially for his egotistical brain.  In his mind I was created to please him and do his bidding (I've since come to learn what an unhealthy relationship this was).  Honestly, he scared me a little, so I backed off a bit.  I told him we weren't going to get married, but we could continue dating.  I was biding my time until God intervened, and I believed for the first time ever that He would!
     Going back to that second day of school, I knew if I was going to be able to stand firm in this walk of faith I needed Christian friends.  I could clearly see that my failings in the past had been because of my lack of accountability and fellowship with other believers my age.  But honestly, I didn't know what to do. 
     Then it occurred to me the thing I had forgotten to do all these years was to pray!  So, on my way to my first class for the day, I prayed God would give me Christian friends.  Now, remember, I have been at this particular campus for one year, and I was even staying in the same dorm room. 
     As I finished my prayer I saw a friend, the only one I really had, named Booker.  I yelled out, "Hey, BookMAN!!!"  As the words slipped out I wanted to draw them back in.  How embarrassing to call him that!  It's like I had amnesia on the second day of school!  I had seen this boy every day for an entire year (we had separate dorms but a co-ed lobby, and he hung out there EVERY day) and I couldn't even say his name right!  All he did in his typical fashion was smile and wave, saying nothing.  Honestly, I'm not sure I had ever heard Booker say more than two words.  He was shy and quiet which didn't quite match his full name:  Booker T. Washington.  At any rate I decided to follow Booker.  He was fast though!  I raced down the stairs leading out to the main street and through the quad.  I finally caught up to him only to find him standing behind a table with a cross on it!  I asked him, "What is this?"  Now, I imagine that is a question that all of us Christians long for someone to say to us.  Can you believe those words came from my mouth?  Well, they did.  He just smiled and mumbled together enough words for me to make out that it was a Christian group that met together for Bible study and fellowship.  Then somehow in his Booker fashion he pointed me to a group of young people standing in the quad talking to various people.  I turned around and met Lisa Ladd (who would one day be my maid of honor!), Mark Masterson (who would one day be my husband's best man!) and Micah Lichtenstein (I guess you get the point of the story).
     All I remember was locking eyes with that blue-eyed blond haired boy and thinking, "Frat boy.  He'd never talk to me!"  And secretly I didn't want anything to do with a frat boy.  I think I associated good looking boys with fraternities.  Now that I know Micah as I do, I know he would never have anything to do with a frat either!  But I'll never forget seeing the blue of his eyes for the first time. 
     Micah and Mark invited me to their Thursday night Bible study, which I found out had been going on for fifteen years or something.  I was a little tiffed that I hadn't found it earlier!  If only I had prayed earlier, what grief might I have been spared that previous year?  Lisa and I began leading Bible studies together, oddly I was considered "mature" because I grew up in a Christian home and had a fairly solid knowledge of Scripture and truth.  But also, I think they could see that I truly, honestly wanted to follow God.  And leadership was just the thing I needed to force me to make some continual hard choices to follow God.  I began writing pages and pages of Scripture and taping them to my dorm walls.  I prayed constantly for God to remove the plagues of lust and desire for affection and attention to leave.  It was a constant battle.  There was no one in particular these thoughts were directed towards, I just craved it so very much.  Having my boyfriend back at home allowed me the time to do all the praying I could, and my life took an entire 180 degree turn.  I began to see that only God could fill the desires I had.  And I began to give over my desire for a husband and love.  Suddenly, if God didn't want me to have those things, I didn't want them either.  Little did I know Micah was going through the very same thing! 
     During our Thursday night meetings I began to go back to the person I had been in my youth.  I soaked up the worship and saw through the facades so many were holding up.  I used to be one of those.  But God was allowing me to be honest with the other girls in my circle, particularly Lisa.  I shared with her the deepest, darkest secrets of my heart, the places only God had seen.  She prayed with me, she believed in me like no one else ever dared.  She believed God for me.  And slowly I began to see transformation.  And I met older couples, too.  Our college ministry was connected to a local church and through the encouragement of our college pastor I met older couples who loved God and loved each other.  Their relationships were authentic, not petty and backbiting like the ones I grew up with.  One woman in particular mentored me and encouraged me to mentor others.  I'll never forget the time she invested in me.  I will always thank God for her.  She played a major role when I began to find interest in that blue eyed boy in the quad.
     One particular Thursday evening, during worship, I looked up and saw this young man worshiping with all of his heart.  He didn't care who noticed, not even the "cool" kids who were just playing the religious game kept him from raising his arms and singing with all of his might.  I thought to myself, "I want to marry someone like THAT!"  It's funny how ironic God is because the instant I thought those words I noticed it was Micah.  I look back now and realize that was the first time I was attracted to his SOUL.  Not his physical self, but his soul. 
     A day or so later I found myself in the food court about to sit down and who would come up to get napkins at the same time but Micah.  He introduced himself again and in my not so graceful, typical way I said, "Isn't that a girl's name? (I knew a girl named Mikah)."
     "NO," he replied gently. "It's in the Bible."   So much for my knowledge of scripture.  But you can better believe I went home and looked it up...eventually.  We sat together and ate lunch that day.  It was such a pleasant talk about normal things and life.  I walked away from that conversation thinking, "Wow, I didn't even 'like' him."  My way of life had been so messed up that every boy was  a potential husband.  Geez!  So, realistically, that was the FIRST conversation I had had with a guy that was purely friendship based, EVER.  It's extremely ironic that I went on to marry this fella!
     Time passed and he asked me to help him make signs.  I couldn't figure out why he needed help making signs, except that I was an art major, but I figured Mark required that we do it together so I conceded.  I never actually helped him, which was probably a God thing.  I imagine I would have jumped to second base before we even got out of the bleachers!  But he did declare to me one day that he had the signs in his car and he would go get them if I would help him hold them to direct students to our Student Life meeting.  I obliged again thinking Mark had directly told him he wanted me to help.  I figured he wanted a girl and a guy to draw the attention of both genders.  I remember remarking, "I don't know why he needs helping making signs!" only to hear my friends snicker.  I guess they could see something I couldn't.
     That night we held signs and I suppose the thought began to occur to me that he could be interested, but before the words could completely form in my mind, another pretty girl strolled up to greet us.  She obviously knew him from the previous year and he stood and talked to her the entire time!  It seemed like an hour, but I honestly don't know.  That pretty much clenched my thoughts on the whole matter.  I figured he wasn't worth my time and I must have lost my touch!  No one had ever ignored me before.  (I found out later that he was actually so nervous that he kept the girls attention because he didn't know what to say to me!).
     He began calling me around 10 pm.  I had early morning Art classes at 8 am.  I had to shower, lug all my art supplies way across campus, and be ready to be amazing for 3 hours straight.  So, I went to bed early almost every night.  I couldn't figure out why he was calling, but he always made some excuse as best as I can remember that Mark needed us to do something or he had a question about some ministry we were about to do.  And I always pretended to be awake, but I really wasn't until he called.  We planned dinners for international students, BBQs, pizza parties, a rodeo, all kinds of things.  We were busy!  And Mark made sure to always include both of us in the planning.
     Every Thursday night we all hung out at Grin's after our big meeting.  We had the best time.  Mark would witness to every waiter/waitress and the owner.  In fact he and the owner had a long standing conversation that would stop/start with each Thursday night's meal.  Once in particular I remember sitting directly across from Micah and we struck up a conversation for the entire time!  I couldn't tell you what it was about, but I suppose it had something to do with our walk with the Lord, our family, our likes/dislikes, etc.  It was the first long conversation I had with him one on one, but I remember feeling as if no one else existed.
     One day he asked me to Subway.  Now you have to remember that I still have this boyfriend!  Up until this point I had done nothing intentional about my friendship with Micah.  He had done all of the pursuing and honestly I was in the dark about the whole thing, which was very unlike my character!  I conceded and walked to Subway with him (we walked everywhere in San Marcos because it was too far away to get your car and you'd lose your valuable parking space).  But I knew I was in quite a predicament.  I can't remember if I had told him I had a boyfriend, I don't think I had.  It was something I wasn't very proud of.  But I did know that if I accepted a sandwich from him, this would be a "date".  And I couldn't have a "date" if I had another boyfriend!  So even though it was lunch and I was starving and had to walk all the way back up the hill to more classes and even work at the School of Liberal Arts, I told him I wasn't hungry.  He shrugged his shoulders and bought a sandwich and ate it.  Now he feels so badly that he did this, but my sense of integrity-even as twisted as it was-would not allow him to pay for my meal.  So we finished and left.
     It wasn't long and my boyfriend began to realize I was becoming estranged.  He even drove the three hours to my campus to check on me.  That creeped me out to think that he could be watching me at any given moment.  And one night when we were at Grin's he called me...at Grin's!  (This was the time before cell phones were small enough to carry around.)  It scared me that he knew where I was, and he proceeded to speak very rudely to me on the phone.  Looking back I can see how dangerous this relationship was, and I wish I had seen the warning signs years beforehand.  I could sense Micah feeling a little protective, in a servant/brotherly sort of way.  He was not happy with the way this guy was treating me.  I left immediately, went home and prayed.  It was another one of those prayers I wondered why I hadn't prayed earlier.  I prayed God would help me break up with him for good.  As the words left my heart, the phone rang.  I reluctantly picked it up, hoping it would be Micah, but knowing it wasn't.  My boyfriend stated point blank, "I want to break up." 
     "Okay." I retorted.
     "I'm just kidding."
     "Well, I'm not.  I've got to tell you that there is someone I may be interested in.  I'm not sure, but I want the opportunity to find out."  And that was it.  God did the whole thing.  I never had to deal with that guy again, except when Micah was around!
     I told Micah my story I'm sure.  In no time at all he prepared a picnic and came to my work.  By  now he knew my schedule and when I'd be there.  We piled into his Buick (it was old but I was impressed that he had a car-unlike every other loser I knew) and headed for the San Marcos River.  We found a place in the park to put out a blanket and I nervously sat down.  I knew I was in a dangerous place of making just as many mistakes as I had made before, and he was so nice, I really didn't know how to behave.  At this time in my life there wasn't much left of the shattered pieces of my heart-I had given too much of it away-and what Micah was seeing was the shattered remains of a person trying to control their own destiny.  God was slowly rebuilding, but what we didn't know is that it would take a very, very long time.
     He pulled out his basket and to my amusement, he had two different kinds of sandwiches, fruit, yogurt, and toilet paper for napkins.  I could tell he was sincerely trying hard to serve me as best he could.  And NO ONE had ever done this for me before.  I was utterly amazed while laughing on the inside.  Toilet paper?  I kinda wished he had just skipped it.  We could wipe our mouths on our sleeves for all I cared.  But this was all a hint of this man's amazing ingenuity.  Before we ate, he took my hands and we prayed.  I was probably a goner at that point, because I could literally feel our hearts being sewn together-whatever little bits of mine were left.  But I remember decisively guarding my heart, too, for the very first time. But when God is doing the work, there is almost nothing you can do to stop it, and I was a willing servant ready to go wherever He led.
    They say when you pray with someone, that is the most intimate thing you can do!  And I believe it.  It is literally the most intimate way to connect with someone because our souls last FOREVER.  Now, I'm not saying not to pray with others, just be careful about whom you choose.
    We continued to hang out in the group, going to Bible studies, ministering in our purely girls or guys Bible studies.  Once in particular we made a long trip to Waco for their mission conference.  Mark promised it would change our lives, and in many ways it did.  Micah and I sat up front, I think we secretly knew it was the safest place to be!  But our job was to keep Mark awake, and Mark made sure to always make Micah his right hand man.  I'm sure he could see Micah's attraction to me (they were roommates) and this was a wonderful way to keep him accountable.  So we talked the entire 2 hours to Waco about everything under the sun from our families to our hopes and dreams.  It's funny to me now that Mark was sitting right there, I'm pretty sure we ignored him most of the time!
     Alongside spaghetti dinners on Sunday night with our friends, he took me to Hastings alone once.  He wanted to look at music, and I had not the slightest bit of interest.  But I did want to know what music he was interested in.  I came to find out he was quite a music buff.  If it wasn't country or on the Christian channel, I had no idea what it was.  But as we were thumbing through Cd's my elbow brushed his arm and I seriously felt electricity.  I had never experienced anything like it, and it thrilled me and scared me all at once. 
     Before long we began to go on walks along the San Marcos River.  Day or night we always found a moment to steal away and soak in the beauty of that town.  Along one of the very first walks, he took me down to the fish hatchery pond.  We always had a purpose and once that purpose was fulfilled, we high tailed it home.  I guess it was the safest way to keep our relationship pure, but I'm not sure exactly we realized this.  God certainly orchestrated all of it.  As we were walking along, rather in close proximity, he reached down and took my hand.  I was so scared he hadn't really meant to and that he had only brushed mine to find me grabbing at his or something.  I nervously walked along for a minute wondering if it had been his intention or mine.  I found out later, he definitely meant it and I had no need to worry.  I'll never forget the beauty of that night.  Micah took me places I would never have gone because I was too afraid or didn't know they existed.  Even though I was an artist, he introduced me to sunsets and rivers and ponds and fields of flowers.  He wrote me poetry and took me to beautiful landscapes I didn't know could ever grace this world.  He introduced me to orchestras and operas.  And he made it all the more better because he was my friend and he was with me. 
     The first time he met my dad he told him he intended to marry me.  This was news to me!  But it made me smile and I realized that all this time together really meant something to him.  He wasn't just toying with me.  And he never tried anything physical with me.  He held my hand, and he did kiss me after reading I Cor 13 to me and telling me he loved me. Honestly, that was the moment I knew he was the one.  But I remained cautious. 
     I met his family Thanksgiving weekend and loved them immediately.  They were homey and sweet.  His mom took me up to the school room, and I immediately burst into tears.  I had only met this woman ten minutes ago and now I was bawling like a baby right in front of her! I had never heard of homeschooling or seen anyone do it. I just knew that I wanted to teach my own kids someday, and here was this woman who did it!  It was as if my dream were being played out in front of me.
     As our relationship progressed we began talking about marriage, with reservation.  Neither one of us wanted to do anything that God was not orchestrating.  So we waited.  But in my mind I had a picture, sort of like a vision, of us standing before someone and he was prophesying over us.  I didn't know exactly where this fuzzy picture came from, I told no one and tucked it in my back pocket of thoughts.  Eventually, Mark planned a mission trip to Mexico for all of us.  We headed out to a local church to help teach Sunday school, paint a huge floor, and do some other repair work.  Mark had been in touch with this church and its people for years.  It proved to be a trying experience for me.  I had been to Europe in high school, but living without running water was a totally different story.  I was used to a Greyhound bus ride, and this was nothing of the sort.  I don't know if Micah noticed I was less than pleasant a few times on the trip, but it was a good dose of reality for both of us.  The guys slept upstairs and we stayed downstairs.  This made me completely nervous because I knew they could wander down at any moment.  Thankfully, they were upstanding young men and kept their mind on the work at hand. 
     You have to realize at this point I knew Micah was the one for me; however, I still had reservation.  I did not want to do anything to step out of line with God's will.  I had written a list of qualities in a mate: 1) To love God above all else, even me.  Even if that meant he wouldn't marry me because God didn't want him to.  2) Forgiving spirit-not holding anything over my head as past boyfriends had done.  3) Tall  4) Loved to play games.  There was a fifth but I've since forgotten it.  Now if you know Micah he is the most forgiving person in the world!  He can lead our children through forgiveness like no body's business!!!  He has countlessly forgiven my faults even when I didn't want him to!  The height speaks for itself.  And games...my aunt played games with me as a child, which spoke love to me.  As a pseudo only child I had very few people to play with growing up.  I lived in a neighborhood with no friends, so I played alone a lot.  I think this played into my desire for affection and attention from boys.  At any rate, if you know his family, they all play games-CONSTANTLY.  So, God not only gave me a man who likes to play games but an entire FAMILY!  And we've been able to bring a little bit of that to my side of the family as well. 
     While in Mexico we found ourselves in a Sunday school classroom.  Mark told us we were getting a special treat.  A prophet was going to come talk to us.  I immediately put up my guard and wondered exactly what kind of prophet he would be.  But as he began to speak I knew he loved the Lord and it would be all right.  Almost immediately he walked over to Micah and I and had us stand up together.  We were sitting next to each other but not any closer than anyone else, and we had no time that entire week to show any indication of our feelings for each other.  There was even another boy sitting on my left! I was equidistant from both of them.  But immediately I knew this was the "vision" I had been given in my head.  He began to pray over us and prophesy that I filled holes in Micah that no one else could fill and that he filled holes in me, too.  I was baffled.  We sat down and he continued around the room praying for others but individually.  He did tell Mark (who was in his late 20's) that he would meet a girl someday but that she wouldn't notice him but he would notice her.  We all teased him about that later!  (and about 10 years later that very prophesy did come true when he met the woman of his dreams, Dayna Curry). But strangely the man came up to me later that day and said, "I don't usually do this, say anything about this kind of stuff....but you know you're going to get married don't you?"  I replied that yes I knew.  And he said, "Well, it will be before the end of this year."  It was spring!  I couldn't believe it!  But in my heart I was relieved.  I had the confirmation I was waiting for.  We were being so careful because we had messed up so badly before.  We wanted to get it right, and God honored that.  He even confirmed the confirmation by giving me a picture of it beforehand!  I must be extremely stubborn to need so many signs!
     Of course I shared this with Micah.  At this point we talked about everything.  He even knew of my bleak past and extended all of the forgiveness I so desperately needed.  He was Jesus with skin on!  We also told our parents about it to see what they thought.  They all wholeheartedly agreed that we were making a good decision to marry and that God was in it.  Later that summer Micah got a job as a programmer and that very night he called my dad to ask for my hand in marriage!  We had previously picked out a ring and unbeknownst to me he had stopped at the store and picked it up on the way home!  The next morning he planned another picnic, this time in his front yard.  We argued about where to keep the mayonnaise he had just bought.  I'm sure at that point he questioned what he was getting himself into, and wisely so! 
     In the late morning we sat on the blanket underneath the most beautiful, brilliant blue sky and he began to tell me how much he loved me.  I started commenting on the clouds rolling by, not wanting him to propose without the ring.  I couldn't believe he could be so obvious, but I have come to figure out that is his way!  And to my surprise he pulled out a box with my ring in it and asked me to marry him.  It all seems like a dream right now, which makes me glad I am remembering.  I said yes of course and the rest is history.  Well, not quite. 
     We were going to wait until I finished my student teaching to get married.  It seemed to make the most sense.  I would have most of my school done by then and not be in danger of not finishing.  We had both discussed the possibility that children could come early on in our marriage (and Elizabeth did arrive, just one year and six weeks after our wedding date).  I didn't want to work that hard for a degree, not to finish it.  But as we made plans for the wedding it became apparent that a spring wedding wouldn't work.  I would need to go straight from student teaching to summer school, leaving us no time for a honeymoon.  And if I waited until I graduated over the summer, I would have to go straight to a teaching job, leaving no time for a honeymoon.  So, practically, a January wedding made the most sense.  Well, remember that missions conference where we talked the whole way there?  Mark was committed to helping in January, leaving the only available date for him to be our best man December 30, just one day before the end of the year...exactly as the man had said. 
     So we joined our souls together in an hour long ceremony, emphasizing the blood covenant God made with Abraham-the same covenant God made with us because of His sacrifice on the cross, hoping that all those in attendance would hear the gospel and become saved.  We even wanted our marriage ceremony to focus on God and not on us.  We told the story of God's redemption through the songs we picked, each pointing to the love He had given us, not only through each other but through Christ. I look back today and realize what a beautiful story God was telling, a story only God could write!  May He continue to write His story on our hearts, and may we give Him all the glory He is worth!
    

Does this work?

Today My Little Girl is One!!!

I look at her and wonder where did the time go? We played, we laughed, we cried, but did I really do all the things I wanted? Most likely not. But here begins another year to bring us promise and celebration.
..........

This year you have learned to nurse, hold a cup, drink from a bottle, eat solids, cookies, & lots and lots of Cheerios. You can play by yourself, play with others, chase kitties and dogs, step on stairs, fall down steps, roll over, rock back and forth, crawl, walk, and run. You know your bow goes in your hair and that you shouldn't have taken it out, your shoes and socks go on your feet & how to take them off. Your hands go over your ears or on the side of your head and rarely over your eyes to play peek-a-boo. You have weighed so little they were worried, so much that you topped the charts, and now have weighed the same for 6 months! You can push buttons, turn knobs and clap. You can say "all done" and "more" with your hands though you have no idea what they mean. You poke people's eyes including playmates in your class. During Sunday School you clutch a Jeremy Giraffe the whole time, doesn't matter if someone else wants it. When you're happy you do a little dance with your head, and you can dance with your feet! You put your head down on the floor for Daddy so he can flip you over, and you even did a forward roll all by yourself one time. We are so proud of you, can you tell?

I cannot wait to see what this year holds or what you will become. God has special plans for you my little one. You are feisty and pretty. Active and sweet. You cuddle and push. You love to point at things and say, "Yen Yey!" or whatever that was you said. Every stuffed animal or baby belongs to you of course. You especially love Cupcake (a giant bear Rebecca won on her birthday) and Hello Kitty which actually used to be mine. I have to admit you have good taste. That picture of you at 5 weeks could not be more perfect! Anything girlie or stuffed makes you say, "OHHHH!" with the biggest excalamation a voice could hold. And if given the option now you would cuddle that bunny just like that.

And did I mention that before you had croup your favorite thing was to scream at the top of your lungs? Which brings me to mention that you've already had your first hospital visit. It didn't go so well.

You know when you're in trouble or when I'm going to clean your hands. You hold out your hands easily for a slap or a cleaning. It's quite intelligent and willing of you in my opinion. You love to say Mommma, mommmma, mommma or Daddadadada. Meeemeemeee is another one of your favorites you are saying just now. You stick out your tongue when someone says, "blah!" because you've eaten something you shouldn't have. You pick up every little thing from the carpet, including the candy Nerds. You've actually eaten one, too!

You fuss if left alone or presented with new people. You are a people person and will even smile at everyone in the library (even if they don't notice you), yet you love all your peeps at home and feel most comfortable with them.

You laugh when tickled and fuss when it's not going just right. You keep me busy all day so that my room is a mess most of the time, dinner is half done, lunch is half done, and the laundry. But we all love you just the same! My heart is full, that's for sure. And I am thankful to have you in my life. You have taught me to love and to laugh and give up everything I thought I had already given up! All together my heart is struck with love for you!!!

Spoken Words

Why do I have to say stupid things? The only thing good about the movie "How Do You Know?" is that one line. I wish you could rewind and take all the words back. But for some reason at certain times when my brain is full of words it is hard or impossible or something to see how the words are gonna affect others. And then "blewpmsbkahis'aljs" I say whatever I was thinking. And then for HOURS later I think about what I just said. I even cringe inside thinking of how that person must be feeling even NOW. And then I realize I'm actually going to SEE them again and I have to decide if I'm going to mention it and apologize or let it go. If I sweep it under the rug it is no big deal to me except that I will always wonder if it really hurt them and they are secretly thinking about it. And then I wonder, "WHY DO I HAVE TO SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?!"

the end.

Sweet Baby

My dear sweet Amber...my heart goes out to you and Jerry. I know you are missing your baby and hurting so bad. I can only imagine a little bit what the hurt must feel like. Please know we are all praying for you both and for Hayden, too. We love you.

Christmas Shopping Extravaganza!

Christmas is done. I have shopped. I have dropped. I am D-O-N-E. Which means...I can now sit by the fire and enjoy my Christmas tree and my family. I can make cookies. I can think straight. I can wait for the presents to arrive that I ordered. I can wrap them leisurely. Did I mention that I've also wrapped all of the presents I've already purchased? I know that it is somewhere around 60 because I purchased three sets of labels with 20 in each and I don't have any left. Unless there's one hiding somewhere...But the presents are under the tree. The kids are excited. And all but ONE has shipped. That ONE is for Elizabeth, and while if it doesn't get here she will be bummed she will at least understand...I hope!

Micah got his IPhone 4 today. He passed down his IPhone 3 to me. Which means that I am probably the only person in the world who has never wanted an IPhone (and still doesn't) but has one! I think that is hilarious. I really resisted him on this b/c I wanted to save the monthly cost, and I personally hate technology. But I could tell he really wanted me to have it and not sell it. So I caved. And now I have an electronic address book basically. I'm sure I'll grow to love it.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Finally...I have a minute. And FINALLY I feel like we're getting ready for the big day. Some presents are bought. The kids are getting excited...I'm thinking of the family we will see. It's going to be a good day. And I'm looking forward to that.

How's everyone else doing?

Where Have I Been

I look over the blogs and it seems so surreal. Where have I been? It's like the world of teaching/motherhood just sucked me right in. I don't even know where I've been, what I've been doing or who you all are! So much has changed in all of your lives that it seems unfamiliar to me and almost as if I'm eavesdropping. Here it is almost Christmas and the year is almost over. I ask myself...what have I been doing? How would I catch you all up on ME? My life is much more boring than any of yours, but it is busy.

I guess I've been waking up at 6:30 since the time change. It was 7:20 before that, so it has been a HUGE adjustment for me. I'm still not there. But my little rooster wakes me every morning.

I nurse my little baby and look at her face, remembering soon she'll be 13. I wonder what she'll be like. I then wrastle everyone else out of bed to get showered and dress. We eat. I go for a walk with a friend, do my exercises, stay in my workout clothes almost all day. But while I am away, we start school immediately. I cram as much information and activities as I can in one day. We used to run errands but I had to stop that. Now I do that on the weekends only if I can help it. We have lunch and continue our cramming. And I juggle the baby and housework and chores getting done, trying to find a little free time for everybody. Sometimes a moment strikes me that everyone is busy and the baby is sleeping. And though I should make the bed or something, rather I lie in it for one or two minutes reveling in the mystery of that two minutes.

And then someone needs me, or four somebody's need me. I get a certain someone ready for their evening classes day in and day out. Sometimes it seems that's all there is. And we return home to make dinner, eat, put away laundry, go pick up that certain somebody. Then I listen to countless stories of all the exercises, laps she ran, how many bumps and bruises she has. I coddle and hug, shower and dress. Put her to bed. Figure out what to do with the baby. And Elizabeth has activities, too.

My life very much feels like touch and go. I'm always figuring out the next moment. And then I go to the next.

So these last few months have been swept away with me trying to keep up with everything, particularly school. In one sort of day I am a math teacher, an astronomy teacher, a physical science teacher, English teacher, History teacher, a physical education and health teacher for three different grade levels, and at the end of the day I'm just plain tuckered out! Sometimes I walk through the house at night muttering to myself as I get things picked up and put away. Usually I get sent to bed for that. I think I'll put myself to bed, too.

Hello

I haven't written in so long that I don't really want to start out griping, but that's really why I'm posting! When I feel I can't turn to anyone, I guess I blog. I guess my plate's been pretty full lately and I haven't had time or something.

Do you ever feel damned if you do and damned if you don't? I'm in one of those pickles now. I'm on a costume committee where I am one of the only two who can sew. The ones who can't sew want us to re-use the costumes from last year where we can. I think that's very kind as they are not wanting to overload the two of us who know how to sew. They think it's a waste that their mom sewed a costume that will never be used again. Is that really my problem? I don't feel it is.

My predicament is that I have a daughter who would very much like a new costume, and I don't mind sewing one for her. So do you see my dilemma? If I sew a costume I am pleasing my husband and daughter but upsetting the others who really NEED me to sew costumes for them. Actually I'm supposed to be helping the kids sew costumes, but in reality I don't know if that will work. We'll see. Why is it that every good thing has to have a sour side at some time or another? So I feel crunched to please the people I love but realize I cannot please all of them in this situation.

My solution: Get all the other costumes sewn and then crunch in one last costume for Elizabeth at the end. I really don't think they can be mad if I use my spare time to do so. But I find myself angry with everyone that they have put me in this predicament. Next time I will state that I will have to talk with my kids first and then make their costumes second. Sorry.

Abe Books... I love it!!!!

Okay, I just ordered some books from my new favorite place to order books....Abe books. You should check it out. Most likely they have what you need and what you love.

BUT...as I checked out I thought the price was a little high. I ignored it. And then I noticed I accidentally ordered two books I had already ordered! Oh well. At least they were all so cheap that in the end I still saved money. But gheez. How old am I getting? I think they were in my basket and it wasn't until I signed in when ordering that those books popped up. I'll know to check next time. Never crossed my mind, but I'm sure they asked and I said it was okay.

The Enemy of Our Souls

Here's a post just for Tammie. I wanted to comment on her blog but then it just came out all weird. So I decided to spend some time on it here because it's exactly what I have been going through.

"You should clean,
your kids aren't doing their chores,
or enough school (we schooled until 5 yesterday),
they don't know anything,
you're doing TOO much school,
you should paint the walls,
your house is a mess,
you don't even have groceries planned out,
you spend too much money,
what do I do next???,
I'm so confused,
I can't even find a pencil,
or figure out a schedule for school,
you should have already mailed those packages a week ago,
you don't even have all the supplies you need,
loser,
I'm overwhelmed,
am I doing this right?,
I should play with Abby more".
These are all the thoughts and feelings I've been struggling with all week. And you know what? I believed it. This post is going to be a little preachy because I am fed up with the devil. And the anger you hear is directed at such a loser. I am not the loser.

So I will try to keep it short. It is the enemy of our souls who is prowling around like a lion seeking whom he can devour. He is telling us all these lies about ourselves. And that's just it. They are lies. Let me clarify. It is true that I need a schedule and I do need supplies, but it is NOT true that I am a loser because of it. Nor can I possibly get all the things done I think I should. God is real and true and good and because of HIM, not me, we will get to the end of this homeschooling road and see a beautiful success. Believe me. I have been in the thick of it.

It took another friend to help me see that it was the devil talking to me. Because the truth of it is that Tammie, your house is beautiful. If it weren't for kids I'd have sandwiches or cheese and crackers every night. I'm sure there were lots of nights that Jesus didn't cook a fancy dinner. And you ARE overwhelmed at work. You are stressed and need to take a load off at home. We do need to exercise, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it. The same friend is always encouraging me to just do 15 minutes of whatever it is that needs to be done. She says, "Just walk for 10 or 15 minutes. That's all you need, and it doesn't have to be every day. Just try 3 times a week. Just draw for 15 minutes, Tania. Just put all the junk in a basket and put it away for 15 minutes." I'm hoping this is helping and not just adding on piles of more guilt. Sometimes we need to hear new ideas or give ourselves permission to not do something. And sometimes we need to tell ourselves to just do whatever is bugging us for 15 minutes.

After having this realization this week I feel so much more aware. Not that I still haven't struggled with feeling overwhelmed, because I have! But it sounds like the enemy could be distracting both of us from finding that peace and rest that we so desperately need!

Another friend told me something cute this week. She homeschools, too. When her kids were little she'd always shake her head and say, "we're so behind. we're so behind. But, we're behind Jesus!". And if you knew her you'd know she really was. Now, her kids tell her that when she gets stressed that they are behind. Her point was to seek first the kingdom of God. And I realized that if I do that first every day (read His Word and pray) that NOTHING else matters in the whole day, it's all behind Jesus. I can rest assured that my to-do list of 1000 things can just wait and it's all in His hands if I place it there every morning. Now I take 10 or 15 minutes every day and read and pray. When I'm done I have so much peace that the most important thing has happened for the whole day.

So, I pass that on for what it's worth. I hope it brings you some courage to kick a little bootie!

And here's a quote that I have clung to for the past couple of days:

"God wants us to move through this day with a quiet heart & peaceful certainty that our lives are in His hands." Roy Lessin

Well, it sounded better for my situation, but maybe it'll help. I've also been writing scripture in my journal every day to help me focus on God's Word so that all the other voices will fade away. And I'd really like to hang more scripture around my house to help me remember His promises. BUT! I'm not going to feel guilty about it!

May I just say that all of us need to post more? This is getting ridiculous. You know what's going on here? Allergies. I am dizzy all day from my ears being clogged up. All blood tests came back fine. I was prescribed a nose spray that makes my throat feel like it's on fire. Fun. I get to choose between a fiery throat and not being able to stand up. Let's see....what do I feel like today? Well, I can tell you after not sleeping well last night I am not using the spray today.

Oh, and my mom gave me money to spend on some books. God bless you, Mom. I was so excited. I used it to purchase a schedule/literature program for Elizabeth that I had been drooling over. Relief. That's all I feel. Relief.

I haven't exercised in a week. Not easy to exercise when you can't really stand up straight. Wish I could make the letters to that last sentence drop off the edge or something.

We're trying a new math program this year. I cannot wait. It is new and called Math on the Level. You completely tailor each day to each child and what they need to learn. Lots of real life examples and games, charts, cooking, etc are thrown in each week in addition to just 5 daily review problems. Can you imagine? You can do more if you want. And you do a lot of practice problems for whatever concept is being taught. But no more endless pages of addition, subtraction, division etc. It specializes in teaching you how to combine several concepts into one problem so they can learn many, many concepts in one fell swoop. We need this so that we can focus on some other things like writing, history, science, etc.

Ah...Sweet Friendship!

I have met with a friend today who showed me her entire library of history books! She has such a wonderful array of books and ideas and curriculum. She said I could use it all for FREE! And it is so much better than the curriculum I wanted to purchase for $600! See how God closes one venue because He wants us to head in another direction!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

First Day of School and the Best Situations

WELL, it's begun. Though I deny it and say we are starting Tuesday, the reality is that we have begun. And like any other school ours lacks perfection. Everyone is still waking up bleary eyed, or maybe that's the bleariness from my eyes making everyone else look bleary...anyway, we're still working on that.

But once we are all dressed, and I do take the longest, we have gathered for two days in a row to discover something about the history of our nation. We have been gathering on this subject now for a year, but this is the farthest we have gotten lately. It makes for a little confusion, "You know that chapter we read a year ago before I went on bedrest? Yeah, that's what we're talking about."

And then there's the usual conversations I have to have with certain people that if they don't get their act together they will either be shipped off to school or we will have to move and stop all fun activity in order for them to attend private school. How do people afford private school? Do you know it costs over $700 a month? $700 a month! That is ridiculous. Incredulous. Really. That's two car payments or a mortgage payment (w/o the taxes). Really. So, today I have concluded that homeschooling is a poor man's private school, since we are legally thus. I spend less than one month's tuition on ALL of our books in one year; though, I could spend more..easily.

Which brings me to my other lament. I cried today. Something about the first day of school, and it has to do with previously mentioned persons complaining about previously mentioned school material. Anyway, I just feel so frustrated that often I cannot afford to purchase the materials I really want. I shelled out $225 last night for math, and need to purchase $60 more. Now this will cover two children, and it should last with them through 6th or 7th grade at least. But STILL! This realization that I will NEVER have all the materials I desire led me to change my science curriculum at the last minute today. I pulled out the science book we were supposed to do last year and started on it. I just made up my mind and did it. That saves me about $30. Not much, but it's a little. And you know what, it's wonderful! It wasn't anybody's first choice, but we're all enjoying it thoroughly.

But it does frustrate me to purchase a really great history curriculum and find the kids are confused. And it doesn't have anything to do with picking up from where we left off. They were confused then, too. It has gaps, and I'm trying to figure out how to fill in the gaps. My dream situation would be to shell out $600 (yes!) and purchase Elizabeth an entirely new curriculum for history and let us continue with what we are doing. But I'm not going to do that. I may try to find harder books for her at the library that will fill in the gaps better and challenge her a little more.

But education is interesting to me. People spend a lot of money on it. I am one of those said persons. But I have found I don't spend nearly as much as some and I'm sure I spend a whole lot more than others. But I cried today because I didn't have the money to do what I wanted, and I cried because I felt inferior as a teacher and a mother. I just felt like this whole year I could have done a better job of saving for books and their education in order to get the books I wanted. But now it's too late, and I feel kind of stuck with what we have. Well, somehow I'm going to have to make the most of what we have. And usually those are the best situations.

I'm feeling Better

It's taken me a couple of days to shake the sadness. But I'm doing better. I watered the dead lawn and flowers. That made me feel better. I guess I thought, "at least I tried." I'm planning a baby shower for a dear friend. Everything's monkeys, and it's so cute! I'll give more details later when she may not be reading this!

Micah and Elizabeth are painting her room. I haven't done a thing! Can you imagine? I didn't know this were possible. I thought my family was only capable of painting with my help. This sheds new light on things...like the living room could get painted without me!

Looking forward to seeing family next weekend. Rebecca has a meet today. I won't be going, but I'm excited for her.

Anybody want coffee? She's selling instant coffee for $30 a box. It's expensive but it contains ganoderma mushroom. Sounds gross, but you really can't taste or see mushrooms in your coffee. I think it's pretty darn good, and I hate instant coffee. Apparently, it makes a difference to spend a little more than on Folgers. (Which I really like Folgers for regular coffee).

I'm rambling and don't really have much to say. But my depression helped me see a few things around the house I want to do like paint, buy lamps, and possibly get a headboard. Oh, we HAVE to have more flowers around here.

That's all.

Sadness and Questions

We lost a dear friend last week. He used to be our next door neighbor. He was only 41. He was dear because he loved everybody. How do you come to grips with that? He knew the Lord. That is our comfort. But it has brought many questions to my mind. A week ago tonight I couldn't sleep either.

one. Is this it? i mean. I have a 13 year old, and I thought maybe we'd have deeper conversations by now. But sometimes I just feel like we're going through the motions. Like we're all just existing in this house with not much going on. Is this normal? Do most households feel this way at one point or another? I pictured us as a lively bunch. With lots of fun imaginable things going on here. Not happening. I kind of think we used to do more fun things when they were little. Now it's all about cleaning and taking everyone somewhere. I don't like it.

two. I still haven't painted my house. That's sounds silly to think about when someone dies. But really that's what I'm thinking about. So it must be important. I want to feel warm and cozy in my house, not like it's some empty shell.

three. R will be gone three nights a week starting next week, and I am saddened to the point that I can't hold back the tears. I don't think we'll be keepin' on with gymnastics for much longer. I know she wanted to go to the olympics, but I think we all know that is probably not very likely. I want my family to be home together every night possible! I want things to go back to the way they used to be before they all grow up and leave the house. Do you ever wish you could grab those days back? Those young days when you ate what you could scrape together. Christmases gone by. Happy days with friends. I miss all of that to the point that I taste bitterness in my mouth. I want us to be together! I might make it to October, and then I don't think I can do this anymore. And how do you come to grips with your kids growing up and leaving? I see now why some parents hang to their kids to the point of making them dependent until they're like 40 or something. They just want things to stay the same.

four. I want to be with friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and won't ever go away. I know. i can't control that and neither can they. But I don't like this arrangement that people can leave whenever. This is not our home. This is not our home. Our home is in Heaven. God is my Father, and I belong with Him forever.

five. I miss years ago when we knew we'd have park day every Thursday. Now the heat keeps it all away. And for some reason, then I didn't care if we didn't meet. What did I do with myself? I guess I went shopping. Bah! That takes money. Pooh. I wish I could just plop at someones house until I felt better.

six. I love God, and I am amazed at His workmanship. I love my family and my friends. I love my home, even though it feels a little empty right now. I love my little baby and pray God's peace on her. I pray God's peace on my friends, too, right now.

Change is coming

I feel fear grip my heart. Often I wonder if I am living my life as Christ would have me live it. Am I reaching those around me? No, I am staying in. I create my own little bubble, and I keep others out. I want to affect change for the kingdom of God. I want to be there for the brokenhearted, the needy, the ones who need Jesus. But I don't know how. I feel chained to the way I have always done things. But I must break out and do things differently.

When Jesus went to heaven he said that we were to go and make disciples. I am doing that with my children (though i think I could do better), but I am not doing it with those around me. Am I loving the unlovable? We do not know how long they will be here. They could be gone in an instant. Do I stereotype people and say, "They are not the Christian type?" We are all lost. We are all in need of Christ. It is just that we have been found by the Almighty, stripped and made clean and new. That is what I want for those around me. It means I am going to have to get dirty. I am going to have to be uncomfortable. I am going to have to change. Can I do this?

I will pray.

Abigail

You are 7 months old, and the highlight of our life. Your smile not only lights up the room but our hearts, too. Your joy and delight in every little thing is so refreshing.

You love your Daddy beyond measure. In the mornings you would rather look at him fixing his hair than eat your breakfast. And then you wonder why he makes that loud sound when he turns on the blow dryer. It scares you every time, and you look a little concerned. But you just can't wait til he comes around the corner to grab his shoes. Because then you get to smile at him. You have a little plan to catch his attention and steal a little kiss. And it works...every time.

You love kissing Blaine and grabbing his ears. Watching him play basketball or the wii entertains you for hours. He's great about laying down on the floor with you and giving you hugs. He wants to dress you in the cutest clothes possible and empathising when you cry. He sure does love you.

You get excited when Rebecca comes to play. Especially when she's been away at gymnastics you get hyped up to hear her say, "I miss-t-ed YOU!" over and over again. That's makes you laugh. She seems to know just what every baby would want to play.

Elizabeth loves caring for you and comes running when you start fussing. I suppose she's my second pair of hands. She notices every new thing you do and delights in it all. She picks the best toys for you to play with, too. You and her have lots of fun games you play like "peek-a-boo" and "look at the cereal box".

And for me. Well, I love it when you hold out your arms like you could never live another second without me. When I'm not home and you have to take a bottle I'm told you clutch it for dear life and say mama repeatedly. That makes my heart melt like chocolate on a warm day.

You have learned to stand up in your crib by yourself. When Rebecca found you like that we all were in disbelief. But as I stood there and watched you do it again and again I cried. My little girl, my little baby was all grown up. So now you can't sleep in your crib. Why? Because you are 27", and the crib is only 20" tall. I tried taking the bumpers out, but you got your legs all tangled up. So we are buying you a net to go over the top of your crib!

At 5-1/2 months you got on your knees. You still rock back and forth, but yesterday not only did you learn to stand in your crib, you learned to push up to a sitting position. You are working on grabbing Daddy's chair and pulling yourself up. I'm sure you'll figure it out soon. Just a few weeks ago you learned how to get your toes in your mouth. You worked on that for a while, and now you have it down.

Your favorite toys are your electric piano, books, teethers, your rabbit, and your nursery rhyme talking books. You have bitten me a few times with those two cute little teeth. You weigh about 19 pounds and can hardly squeeze into 12 month clothes. You love rice cereal and will eat no other kind of cereal. When you ran out and we bought you some more you were so excited and said, "Mmmmmm" over and over again. You don't like applesauce or bananas. You have tolerated green beans but sometimes refuse to open your mouth. But at least you don't make that face that says, "I'm going to throw up if you give me more."

All in all you have amazed us. You have accomplished things well before any of the other kids. While this astounds me, it scares me, too. I hope you know we love you and think you're amazing even if you couldn't do these things. I imagine God has great things in store for you, and He has given you a wonderful family to witness your beautiful life.

I Love...

coffee in the morning.

little toes...

smiling babies who throw their heads back....

Big toes...

scratching Blaine's back.

snuggling next to my husband.

sleeping...I haven't gotten enough of it lately.

really good blog posts.

the blog world.

great photos.

watching my children grow up. They have been riding their bikes over to a friend's house and taking care of a bunny, three dogs, four chickens, four gardens, and four cats all by themselves! Today they stayed late because they made a mess on the kitchen floor and had to sweep it up. YES!

teaching school.

snuggling with Blaine.

watching Elizabeth brush her hair.

rubbing Rebecca's cheeks when she smiles.

picturing my husband's face.

eating things I shouldn't like vanilla cake and ice cream.

not exercising when I should and then I love it when I start back up again.

making new meals for my family and seeing them enjoy them.

being lazy every once in a while.

reading a good book.

rainy days...wish we had one.

FALL. Will it ever get here?

Watching Blaine's excitement over finding Presidents cards at Target.

Sending my oldest girl to swim with her friend without me.

Seeing Becca's cute little figure from working out all the time.