Mexia

We just got back from the wonderful town of Mexia. It was so absolutely wonderful to be around FAMILY. I just loved it! I hope everyone loves us as much as we love them. I mean I hope we didn't get on everyone's NERVES too much. I know I can be grumpy and indecisive and just down right stupid at times. But it was great to be around PEOPLE. I had a blast!

And Tammie's Amazing Race was fabulous!!!!!!! We are all sore over here and nursing our wounds. But it was well worth it. I hope everyone else is well. My feet hurt mostly because I was dumb and didn't bring good running shoes and wore my crocs instead.

Now it's to the laundry we go! I've already got a few loads of sheets washed, but I think we'll be working on this all day.

Thanks, family, for making it such an amazing trip. We really enjoyed seeing all of you. And thanks, Mom and Tammie, for all you did to plan it and make it a success!!!

Julie & Julia

I just watched Julie & Julia tonight. Did anyone else tune in? I know I should be in bed. We're supposed to make posters in the morning for a car wash. But I just had to finish it. That movie just makes me smile for some reason. And when I last watched it I think I was pregnant. I couldn't do anything. I remember my sweet husband asking me if I wanted her cookbook. I'm pretty sure I gave him a look that would have melted all the butter used in that movie. But now....well, I'm at least considering it. A friend brought me her beef Bourguignon as prepared by Julia. It was marvelous and she even forgot one of the main ingredients!

At any rate I just find her life and person fascinating. My aunt commented that some book written either by her or another author was even better than the story in the movie. I'll have to ask her again.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/recipe?id=8222804 for that marvelous recipe!

Squeaky Wheels

Had a dream that has kept me up. Thankfully I went to bed at 8:45, so I am well rested. Can you imagine going to bed that early? I vaguely remember the children coming to tell me goodnight.

Don't you hate dreams that keep you up? You wish you could change the end or write the rest of it so you could GO TO SLEEP!

My mom came to visit. It was so refreshing to see her. We went to lots of places, which we hardly ever do. We went to the mall, the spicy pickle, to a play, and mardel's. Have you been to the spicy pickle? It's marvelous! Probably not good for the waistline I'm trying to shrink, but it's GOOD! Everyone must try. I love the Italian sandwich.

I took her to a play my friend wrote about bunko. It is hilarious, and if you live in this area it is still showing on Sunday I think around noon. It's bunko, ghosts, and margaritas. I've seen it three times now, and I just love it.
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Did I mention Abby has officially said "mama"? She says it all the time when she's sad. Soooo cute! Nothing like that to melt mama's heart! She sits up a little by herself, too. Sooooo sweet. That girl just smiles and chubs. So much chubbiness. Oh my! This weekend we couldn't even get a 12 mo. outfit on her, and she's 6 mo. old! I think it was the way it was made, but still!
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I've been exercising a lot every day. I think that is why I'm so tired. I took an hour and a half nap yesterday, too. And still went to bed so early.
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Watched Blaine play basketball yesterday. He is so incredibly cute. Every time he made a shot he'd look over to me. I tried to hoot, clap, and smile like a fool. Boys have such a conquering instinct don't they? Got to have our attention and our encouragement. Lord, help us! I think he made 7 shots. Can you believe that? Once a boy let go of the ball and instantaneously he whizzed around and grabbed it. Suddenly he had the ball. It all happened in a flash. They're not allowed to "steal", but he said the boy let go of it and he grabbed it. He must have an eye like superman because the whole thing happened in the blink of an eye. I know I'm biased, but I think he could really end up being good at this. Elizabeth and I sat on the wrong side of the court and in the background I kept hearing other parents say, "number 9....". That's my boy's number! No one on the other team that I could see had that number. He's just so precious. Half the time he looked like a monkey, out there running around like crazy trying to get the ball from someone. And you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."
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This is for Aunt Jenny. Now don't freak out. Elizabeth and I were talking about letter writing. She wrote a letter to a friend and the whole thing was ONE PARAGRAPH! I about freaked myself. But I calmly tried to point out her spelling errors and SMILE. And then she brought it up. Whew. I was trying to tread carefully, you understand.

She said, "I just change thoughts so quickly. It's kind of weird."

"Yes, that is why people use paragraphs," I said calmly to her.

Later on in the day she was reading and she says so matter-of-fact, "Oh, you're right mom. They change paragraphs when they change thoughts."

She WILL be taking a writing class this year I might add. What the heck have we been talking about for the past three years? At least I was able to make my point to her without her feeling hit over the head.

Misfits

Well, I'm here again. I'm neither her nor there. Isn't there a candy bar like that? I think so. But then I KNOW God sees me. He knows my every thought. He knows when I lie down and when I get up. Before a word is on my tongue, he KNOWS it. He thinks of me more throughout the day than the sands upon the sea. Right now the sand is filled with tar, but He thinks of me the same.

What has happened since I last blogged is that I am feeling it all over again. It has been a little here and a little there. And then this week it all came rushing in like a flood. My hormones have not changed drastically, though I am SURE they are constantly changing in many ways we do not even understand. But I now see a pattern. And I think I have pinpointed the cause of my sadness. And I have validated that I do need friendship. I still don't have solutions, but I have answers. The problem: there are certain people that drain me. I love their friendship, but when I am around them I just feel jealous. I am jealous of the close friendships they are sharing with those around them. And I feel I am competing for their friendship. That is so tiring! I know I sound like I'm 11, and I would possibly agree with you on this point. At any rate, I have finally faced the reality that I am just plain jealous and need to repent. So, I am doing that.

It is obviously not God's plan for me to have this super close relationship with these ladies that I desire. And I need to be okay with that. I'm getting there but not yet. I do still want to be their friends, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I think it goes something like this: I see them on occasion and do things with them, but God is filling me up in so many other areas that I do not NEED to have their friendship to the extent that I used to.

Here's my point: God really blessed me this weekend with a day full of fun. I was able to spend some time with three really sweet ladies whom I adore and their mother. One lives out of town, so I don't see her much. We saw a play and had some lunch. My cup came home overflowing with gratitude and happiness. This is what made me realize I'm missing the boat somehow. I realized I am not depressed, because I actually felt very happy and still do. The problem is that I am spending time with people who I feel drained by instead of people who make me feel loved and filled up. I don't know exactly how to change that or make it different, but when I pray I sense God saying, "I'm doing something.". So, on one hand I feel I need to wait and SEE what He is doing.

On the other hand I feel God saying I am to DO something. Figuring out which activity falls into which category is a little tricky. I was inspired by my friend who moved away and experienced much of what I am feeling now. She started a bunko group (I love mine and don't need to trade that in), a play group and joined a Sunday school class of people in the same stage of life. I really feel God has something for me to DO. I just don't know where or how or when. I have tried connecting at church. I have been told, "I don't have time to be your friend." (!) and "You can't be in mops because you homeschool your kids." (!) Which I don't really know if the latter is true. However, I find the insensitivities of others very confounding. When both of those statements were doled out I had prefaced them with, "I'm feeling very alone right now and looking for relationships." Their responses are enough to make someone want to jump off a bridge. What are we saying to each other, ladies? What has God's bride become? What are we like as Christians? Are our words reflecting our beliefs? Better yet are our ACTIONS reflecting God's Word? Not always. I want to start something. I want to show people that God loves the broken hearted, the misfits, the in-betweens, the nothings in life. I know because He loves ME.

And then I'll never forget the sweet little red head at church. I don't really know her, but she makes you feel like you do. When I told her I felt alone she gave me words of comfort and tried to think of places I could plug in. Even today when I feel all alone her love brings comfort and consoles me. These were truly the words of Jesus, the healing balm from His understanding heart to mine!

My dilemma (and if you're tired of hearing about it, just click on to someone else's blog because I need to talk about it. My blog is the only place I can safely do so):
I don't know anyone with a baby. It's true. The closest friend with a baby is 45 minutes away. But then while it seems important to know some people with babies it seems even more important to have friends I can be real with, no matter their life stage. I think a mix of both would be good, and it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen at church! They are all into themselves and what baby toy is the coolest and what brand of clothes they are putting on their babies. Bleck! I could care less. I buy whatever is at Kid to Kid. And see there, I sense God pointing me to certain people who are the same way but I've never spent much time with.

When I gather with my beloved "close" friends it seems they have made close ties with new people and I just feel jealous. It's sad, but it's true. And I wonder how many other women have felt the way I do. I'm suspicious that all have because I think I'm pretty typical. So then I feel guilty for wanting relationship with others. I typically want to run away. I think of getting a job at kohl's just so I have an excuse to not be around them. But God confirmed in my heart today that I NEED to be with other believers. We were hard-wired that way. Some more than others. I'm the more than others type, in case you wondered. Now, I don't want these friends to feel smothered by me or that they cannot have other friends. So, I really just think (round two of this whole thing) that I am not handling this correctly. But no one really never tells you how to handle friendships.

So I am praying. Why do I feel so filled up by the three women I spent time with yesterday? I have known them for a while. But I like that they are REAL with me. And I feel I can be real with them. I can tell them I feel lonely. I don't feel like I'm competing for a relationship with them like some sort of prize. That only makes me feel inadequate, unimportant and unloved.

I think the answer is a three-pronged one. One, I am to continue with the friendships I have. Love them as best I can but don't try to "win" their affection. Think of ways to spend time with them and have fun, but take it all in stride. Second, find some people in the same life stage...somebody my age that I can relate to has to have a baby yet isn't completely wrapped up in name brands. Third, I need some spiritual connection with ladies who are mature believers and can challenge me to live for Christ and be a joy to be around.

So what is God doing? Only He can answer this. And time will tell. In order to meet people in the same life stage am I to pursue a mops group? Am I to join a stroller exercise class? I think I'm supposed to try these and see if anything turns up. But it just seems like many of us are in the "in-betweens" or "no man's land" of life. Yes, we may have teens and could go to the adolescent sunday school class. But then I feel stranded with a baby on my hip and feel some need is still not being met. How does that fit in? I want to start a class called the "Funny Place". It would be for all those people who do not fit the mold of another sunday school class. Maybe they're between jobs, between life stages, or just misfits. Wouldn't that be fun? I think we are all truly misfits, some of us just don't realize it.

Or maybe I'm to start a Bible study with my neighbors. I don't know. In times like these it's important to realize the areas where we do feel we are being fed. I love my bunko group, I love my family, and I love the handful of people God has put in my life. I'm just figuring out what to do with the rest. How do I pick up the pieces and DO something with them all the while trusting God that HE IS doing something, too? I am reminded of that song by Brandon Heath:

"Give me Your eyes for just one second.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.
Everything that I keep missing.
Give me Your love for humanity.
Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted.
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see."

Thanks for listening, my little blog world. You are all my friends and I am glad to know you!!!