Misfits

Well, I'm here again. I'm neither her nor there. Isn't there a candy bar like that? I think so. But then I KNOW God sees me. He knows my every thought. He knows when I lie down and when I get up. Before a word is on my tongue, he KNOWS it. He thinks of me more throughout the day than the sands upon the sea. Right now the sand is filled with tar, but He thinks of me the same.

What has happened since I last blogged is that I am feeling it all over again. It has been a little here and a little there. And then this week it all came rushing in like a flood. My hormones have not changed drastically, though I am SURE they are constantly changing in many ways we do not even understand. But I now see a pattern. And I think I have pinpointed the cause of my sadness. And I have validated that I do need friendship. I still don't have solutions, but I have answers. The problem: there are certain people that drain me. I love their friendship, but when I am around them I just feel jealous. I am jealous of the close friendships they are sharing with those around them. And I feel I am competing for their friendship. That is so tiring! I know I sound like I'm 11, and I would possibly agree with you on this point. At any rate, I have finally faced the reality that I am just plain jealous and need to repent. So, I am doing that.

It is obviously not God's plan for me to have this super close relationship with these ladies that I desire. And I need to be okay with that. I'm getting there but not yet. I do still want to be their friends, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I think it goes something like this: I see them on occasion and do things with them, but God is filling me up in so many other areas that I do not NEED to have their friendship to the extent that I used to.

Here's my point: God really blessed me this weekend with a day full of fun. I was able to spend some time with three really sweet ladies whom I adore and their mother. One lives out of town, so I don't see her much. We saw a play and had some lunch. My cup came home overflowing with gratitude and happiness. This is what made me realize I'm missing the boat somehow. I realized I am not depressed, because I actually felt very happy and still do. The problem is that I am spending time with people who I feel drained by instead of people who make me feel loved and filled up. I don't know exactly how to change that or make it different, but when I pray I sense God saying, "I'm doing something.". So, on one hand I feel I need to wait and SEE what He is doing.

On the other hand I feel God saying I am to DO something. Figuring out which activity falls into which category is a little tricky. I was inspired by my friend who moved away and experienced much of what I am feeling now. She started a bunko group (I love mine and don't need to trade that in), a play group and joined a Sunday school class of people in the same stage of life. I really feel God has something for me to DO. I just don't know where or how or when. I have tried connecting at church. I have been told, "I don't have time to be your friend." (!) and "You can't be in mops because you homeschool your kids." (!) Which I don't really know if the latter is true. However, I find the insensitivities of others very confounding. When both of those statements were doled out I had prefaced them with, "I'm feeling very alone right now and looking for relationships." Their responses are enough to make someone want to jump off a bridge. What are we saying to each other, ladies? What has God's bride become? What are we like as Christians? Are our words reflecting our beliefs? Better yet are our ACTIONS reflecting God's Word? Not always. I want to start something. I want to show people that God loves the broken hearted, the misfits, the in-betweens, the nothings in life. I know because He loves ME.

And then I'll never forget the sweet little red head at church. I don't really know her, but she makes you feel like you do. When I told her I felt alone she gave me words of comfort and tried to think of places I could plug in. Even today when I feel all alone her love brings comfort and consoles me. These were truly the words of Jesus, the healing balm from His understanding heart to mine!

My dilemma (and if you're tired of hearing about it, just click on to someone else's blog because I need to talk about it. My blog is the only place I can safely do so):
I don't know anyone with a baby. It's true. The closest friend with a baby is 45 minutes away. But then while it seems important to know some people with babies it seems even more important to have friends I can be real with, no matter their life stage. I think a mix of both would be good, and it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen at church! They are all into themselves and what baby toy is the coolest and what brand of clothes they are putting on their babies. Bleck! I could care less. I buy whatever is at Kid to Kid. And see there, I sense God pointing me to certain people who are the same way but I've never spent much time with.

When I gather with my beloved "close" friends it seems they have made close ties with new people and I just feel jealous. It's sad, but it's true. And I wonder how many other women have felt the way I do. I'm suspicious that all have because I think I'm pretty typical. So then I feel guilty for wanting relationship with others. I typically want to run away. I think of getting a job at kohl's just so I have an excuse to not be around them. But God confirmed in my heart today that I NEED to be with other believers. We were hard-wired that way. Some more than others. I'm the more than others type, in case you wondered. Now, I don't want these friends to feel smothered by me or that they cannot have other friends. So, I really just think (round two of this whole thing) that I am not handling this correctly. But no one really never tells you how to handle friendships.

So I am praying. Why do I feel so filled up by the three women I spent time with yesterday? I have known them for a while. But I like that they are REAL with me. And I feel I can be real with them. I can tell them I feel lonely. I don't feel like I'm competing for a relationship with them like some sort of prize. That only makes me feel inadequate, unimportant and unloved.

I think the answer is a three-pronged one. One, I am to continue with the friendships I have. Love them as best I can but don't try to "win" their affection. Think of ways to spend time with them and have fun, but take it all in stride. Second, find some people in the same life stage...somebody my age that I can relate to has to have a baby yet isn't completely wrapped up in name brands. Third, I need some spiritual connection with ladies who are mature believers and can challenge me to live for Christ and be a joy to be around.

So what is God doing? Only He can answer this. And time will tell. In order to meet people in the same life stage am I to pursue a mops group? Am I to join a stroller exercise class? I think I'm supposed to try these and see if anything turns up. But it just seems like many of us are in the "in-betweens" or "no man's land" of life. Yes, we may have teens and could go to the adolescent sunday school class. But then I feel stranded with a baby on my hip and feel some need is still not being met. How does that fit in? I want to start a class called the "Funny Place". It would be for all those people who do not fit the mold of another sunday school class. Maybe they're between jobs, between life stages, or just misfits. Wouldn't that be fun? I think we are all truly misfits, some of us just don't realize it.

Or maybe I'm to start a Bible study with my neighbors. I don't know. In times like these it's important to realize the areas where we do feel we are being fed. I love my bunko group, I love my family, and I love the handful of people God has put in my life. I'm just figuring out what to do with the rest. How do I pick up the pieces and DO something with them all the while trusting God that HE IS doing something, too? I am reminded of that song by Brandon Heath:

"Give me Your eyes for just one second.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.
Everything that I keep missing.
Give me Your love for humanity.
Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted.
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see."

Thanks for listening, my little blog world. You are all my friends and I am glad to know you!!!