Burn, Baby Burn!

Last Friday we shelled out $184 for a membership and youth basketball at the YMCA. Sunday I hit Target to find workout attire. This morning I rushed around at breakfast, dropped the kids off, and waited in line for the step aerobics class. Standing in the hallway I contemplated bolting. No one would know. But, no, I really wanted to do this. I knew walking through that door would be the moment of turning a page in my life. I told myself I could do ten minutes and leave.

Well, I am proud to say that I did more than ten minutes. I made it to thirty. Somewhere about fifteen minutes into the whole thing I muttered, "This lady is crazy." She came over to tell me to watch the person in front of me. "I'm trying," I smiled back. At times I just had to march in place because my knees were melting and I could feel my thighs screaming loud protests. There were certain combinations I deleted all together. But by-golly I was in there! There was one man and 30 women. I wondered whatever possessed him to want to be surrounded by a large group of overweight women. I glanced around and noticed the kids elderly babysitter trying to figure out how in the world to do this. She made me smile. I then spied my long time friend from college rocking and rolling. She made me envious. But it felt so good to be in there with all those people. Adrenaline was pumping and people were excited. I bet the lady behind me wished she'd picked a different spot. But everyone was so nice and talked to me, helping me figure out how to set up and get situated.

But then about 29 minutes into the whole thing I realized I was going to vomit or collapse. I really didn't want the pregnant lady next to me to have to pick me up or clean up my throw-up. I looked around frantically for a clock, sure it would say an hour had passed and we were about to cool down. Thirty minutes?!? Is that all? I knew I couldn't keep going so I left. I held my head high, picked up my keys, and headed for the water fountain. I paced the halls until my stomach calmed down. I have NEVER worked out until I felt like I was going to vomit. This whole out of shape thing is a new experience. I hope I never have to get to this place again. But, when I went to pick up my cute little rolly polly baby I was so delighted to be exactly where I am. I felt I was in good company. All these cute pudgy moms were dropping off their babies and little kids and for the first time in a long while I felt I belonged somewhere.

So Wednesday we'll hit the gym again and Burn, Baby Burn!

Answered Prayer

Thank you all for your prayers and comments. I really appreciate you being willing to give me advice. I know that can be just as humbling as asking for help.


So...here is what happened. I prayed a lot! I kept feeling I should let them know I felt lonely and would appreciate them spending time with me when time allowed. Anyway, I was pretty emotional as you may have gathered and just down right hurt. I know how much our minds can play tricks on us, and mine was rolling with all kinds of hurtful thoughts. "They've forgotten about you", "don't need you", etc, etc. I met with my prayer partners to pray on Monday night and brought it up to them. One of them said, "You can't expect the other person to know what you need. You have to tell them." I felt like the Holy Spirit was gently urging me to do this even though I didn't want to. I realized I have never felt more loved than when my friends say, "It would really mean a lot to me if you could ......, but I completely understand if you can't." I knew it would at least make me feel better to say that I had needs. I figured at that point if they didn't do anything or respond in any kind of way then I would need to pull out the "What have I done to offend you" card.

So...from all of your comments and prayer these were the factors leading me to my decision:
1)These have been my friends for 14, 7 and 6 years. I just couldn't toss those in the trash. I knew it was worth working on because we have been together through thick and thin.
2) I felt extremely hurt. I knew this was an indication that I needed to get this out and talk about it, not just ignore it. Doing so would completely ruin the friendship.
3) I knew if my friends had needs that I could meet I would want them to send me an email letting me know. If they didn't tell me and remained angry and hurt I would be upset with them.


Well, I can tell you at first it went from bad to worse. But I can give no one credit for this but the enemy of our souls. I met one of the friends somewhere, and she got there just as we were leaving. I left in a puddle of tears, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. After that I knew I couldn't go on living like this. I had to do something. Of course I had been praying this whole time and had my prayer team praying with me. I knew God would direct me.


So I did it. I composed a prayerfully concise and to the point email. I opened my heart bare and let them know how much I loved and appreciated them supporting me in different ways while I was pregnant and on bed rest. I then told them that I knew they were really busy but that I missed them dearly and needed them to call me, invite me over, do things with me, drop by my house, etc whenever it was possible. I also told them I was leaving for the day but I would really appreciate a phone call from them. I was so proud of myself yet I was under the chair! I was afraid they would never speak to me again! But....as Sarah said I thought the best of my friends as I would want them to do for me.


By 9 that morning one of them called me. All I could do was cry. The other one called me that afternoon, and the third contacted me shortly later. One friend said she thought I wanted space and she just felt HORRIBLE that she hadn't been asking me to do things. So she shot out a list of things we could do together and actually went on a walk with me that day. The other friend has called many times and even come over to talk about gardening and stuff that we used to talk about together. I was just so giddy with excitement! I felt so loved that they would immediately reach out to me. She apologized for calling so much, but inside I was shouting, "This is what I missed!" I am a people person and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE people!!!


So I learned from the whole thing that I need to speak up sooner. While hormones and other factors may be affecting how I feel, I still have needs and need to let others know. I cannot believe I allowed myself to feel that way for three whole months. Now I feel completely ridiculous for not doing it sooner. However, I am so thankful that God allowed me to go through this so that I can always remember to not assume the worst and to let people know I have needs. While this is humbling this is what true friendship is about. My friends made sure to let me know that. Thank you all for your prayers and support during my roller coaster of emotions.

What Do I Do?

I definitely have a problem, and I need some advice. I have given it some time. I have prayed. I have asked others to pray, and I am praying some more. And I will pray yet again. I have some friends that I really feel are ignoring me! They have made new friendships and moved on with their lives. I see them buying special gifts for these others friends and the sentiments are exchanged with nice gifts for them. But I can hardly get a moment on the phone with them. They are always making plans with these new friends that they used to make with me. Things they used to call and tell me they are now calling these other friends about first and I get the, "Oh, by the way" at the park when it's about some life changing event in their life. Geez! I feel like I'm in junior high! This same thing happened to me in elementary school. I had a really good friend, a best friend as we used to call it then. I was sick for two weeks with something and came back. Well! She was then best friends with someone else. Never spoke to me again.

I feel so much the same way. And it hurts! Every time I talk to her I try to make things the way they used to be, but I hurt so much I can barely speak! Help! What do I do? I already emailed one of them to tell them I felt lonely and all I got was, "It's just your hormones." What do I say to her? How do I handle this? I want to buy her something nice because I think that is how she feels loved, but I just don't know what. And by doing so am I just trying to buy her friendship? Am I manipulating her, or am I doing it because I love and care for her?

Cast your votes please. How do I talk to these friends?

Abigail

Eyes a puddle of blue

Skin as fair as cream

A smile that warms your toes

Coos so lovely and sweet!

I am amazed

at how much I love thee,

sweet girl.

You give me such delight.

May we forever

play in the sunshine

and cuddle late at night.

Semblance of Normality

It's 9:40am, and I'm still in my pajamas. PAJAMAS. I LOVE that word. Sometimes we change it around with the kids and call it JAPAMAS. It's just a fun word.

Anyway, I'm still in my pajamas. No semblance of order has crept into my days yet. Some weeks we are orderly and having a quiet time at 8am. Other mornings are like this. I won't tell you that I feel overwhelmed because you all already know it is Wednesday and I am overwhelmed. Oh wait, I think I just told you.

I have doled out reading assignments and looked at the writing assignment. Yes, I have actually LOOKED at the writing assignment my children were supposed to have done months ago. But now, today, it will happen. Actually I'm hoping to get more than one day today. They are almost done with math for the whole year. R has about 7 lessons left. But then we will begin again. Not because I am a die-hard but because she did a 4th grade math program this year. And we're into a rhythm that I don't like to disrupt.

You may be asking what's the point to this post? Well, I had something on my mind but haven't gotten to it yet. So here goes.

Something happened to me at the LBJ Ranch. Something jogged inside of me. I remembered how much I love the outdoors, how much I love the country and old things. Yes, I love pigs and goats and sheep and cows. Horses are pretty, but I don't know much about them. I love old barns and hay hooks and old houses. In fact I lost myself in one of the old houses. My friends poor husband had to wait on us and chase around 8 kids while I lost myself in that house. I'm truly sorry, Nick, I didn't mean to. For some reason I feel I was meant to tend cows and throw hay. I don't really think I could do it, at least not in the physical state I'm in. But it seems the desire runs through my blood. Almost a compelling. Micah says I was born in the wrong century. I wanted to know how they did everything. How did they make flour? Butter? Cheese? Dye eggs? How did they make a dime? And how did they never tire of these tasks?

First the scent of old, musty crisp things gets me. Then the breeze coming in from the screen doors. And then the sweet little ladies dressed in old time clothes. And then before I know it I'm researching the historical connection of every scrap of dusty furniture in that place. And the people. My mind reels with the thought of the wonderful people that lived in that house. I think of them washing clothes out in the hot sunshine and hanging it on the line. Or traipsing through the garden to see what needs tending and what won't make it that year. And then the ultimate cherry on top. I think of my Granny. I think of how she lived, and I miss her. I think of how her mother must have lived and her mother. I wonder at how happy they all were. How all 12 of them came back every fourth of July. And I wonder why that tradition didn't carry on to my family. What happened to my family? Disconnected. Disjointed. Different. We are all so different. And hardly a tradition for the whole family. It wasn't until I met Micah's family that I realized a family could be so much fun. But I know from Granny's stories that her family was fun. Something must happened along the way. Maybe because she was so much younger and all of those before her passed on. Maybe that was too hard for her. Or, maybe she lived so far away from everyone that they stopped getting together. I know Uncle Tommy came over all the time, but he passed on when I was about 5. He was the last of that time for her.

And then a friend's grandmother died this week. She shared some of the wonderful things her grandmother taught her. And I couldn't help but get all caught up again. If someone were to give me a little yellow house on a farm I would just be too happy.

Collecting Thoughts

My computer won't let me comment on Alisa's blog for some reason. So I just decided to respond here. It will give me an opportunity to collect some of my thoughts. I really appreciate what she has to say! I am flabbergasted (but in a way not really) at the similarities of what we are feeling. It is comforting to know that others are going through the same things.

I, too, have had the same thoughts. That God is moving me through a different season for a purpose. I love her analogy of opening my hand to allow others in. This is what I sense God saying. There are friendships I often would not pick for myself, but when the friendship has developed I am so thankful and astonished at my love for them.

Just now a friend called in distress. My heart breaks for her. She is worried about losing another baby. I wish I could do more. I would drive over and take care of all her kids for her. God, may you comfort and quiet her with your love. Help her to rest right now not only physically but also in your presence and peace. Keep this baby safe and don't let anything happen to it that is not your will. Watch over my friend and give her wisdom and peace.

I realized this morning when another friend called exactly where the pain was coming from. I miss her. But I must let go and not hold on so tight. She needs to be allowed to have new friendships. I need to allow myself to develop new ones. It's just a scary place to be. But I was thinking about it a lot this weekend out at the LBJ Ranch. Being outside in nature gives me such clarity of thought. It's scary because you don't know if you will be loved as much. Will this other friend still treasure me? Will I still treasure her? Will the new friends work out? Will this happen again? Most likely. And maybe it's as it should be. Micah and I have always said, "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver the other gold." It's just the accepting of this that is hard for me. I know fresh blood is good. It keeps things renewed even among old friends, keeps you from getting in a rut and makes you appreciate who you have. I guess I didn't even realize how tightly I was holding on! Ouch. That hurts, God. And I guess I can choose to loosen my grasp and allow Him to make the change, or I can wait for Him to rip them out of my white knuckle grasp.

This is an area I appreciate in Julie so much. It seems to me she loves life, no matter what comes her way. Everyone is welcome. Life ebbs and flows. People change. Friends come in and out. But she always treasures and loves those that have been in her life. There is always joy in her life no matter who or what is going on. I asked Micah about it and he said he thinks that is one reason he is so easy going. There were always people at the house, playing games, and eating dinner. Friends.

And yet I was touched so deeply at church yesterday. "You're all I need." And as I raised my hands to heaven I just knew that in the deepest part of me that is true. I am His and He is mine.

Good Post

See Sally Clarkson's blog on "It's Not Fair". Perfect reading for me today. Many times I am the one hurting others, forgetting about them...going on with my life. I must choose to forgive others and I must remember myself to be more sensitive and loving as Jesus.

Lizard on the Loose

Blaine's pet lizard escaped. When Micah discovered it Blaine responded with, "Yeah, he's been gone for a few days." What?!? Thankfully we know a God who cares about pet lizards. We prayed and found poor Jake in the closet. Thankfully his fate was spared from the cat. He has been carefully restored to his home and well secured.

She Laughed!

She was falling asleep in my arms. We knew she was close. And then with Rebecca standing over my shoulder she let out her first giggle. Girls are so cute.

Easter Weekend

Abbie's 1st Easter.

One of my roses.

1st time in highchair!

LBJ Ranch

We joined friends at the Ranch for full day of fun.

Look, the Easter bunny put eggs in the garden.

German tradition to make a lamb cake!

My Easter Dress!

Blaine pets a horse at LBJ Ranch!

A Happy Post

My little girl is making coos and goo's like crazy. She loves, loves, loves her daddy and her brother and her sisters. Tonight she cood so loud she scared herself! She's going to be a talker. She smiled at a stranger the other day and talked her head off to her. Everyone just loves her in the stores and has to have a talk with her. What a gift!

Daddy got on the floor and started crawling towards her. He wasn't halfway to her when she let out a big sideways grin showing her approval and anticipation. Loves that Daddy!

A Year Gone By

It's official. It's not just hormones. People have gone on with their lives. And why shouldn't they? I've been out of it for a year now. I noticed a piece of paper from a calendar I stuck up on the wall. It seemed like just a few months had passed since doing so. I was suspicious, so I flipped it up to see the date, "April 1" stamped on the back. When I went to visit my mom she pointed out I hadn't been there in a YEAR. What??!??! Apparently when you are old and have a baby a year slips by along with so many other things.

I can't really blame everyone. I've been out of it. I didn't feel good for most of last year. I think there were officially five months of pure goodness. Four of those were the first four months of the year and that was bogged down with co-op. The other month was sometime in September. You just can't maintain friendships on that. And I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I could have picked up the phone and called someone. I could have.

The truth is I'm trying to make it sound all "official" and matter-of-fact when the reality of it all is that it just plain hurts. I have cried myself to sleep only to wake up and begin crying again. And I look at A and think, "This is the sacrifice I have made for your life, for your birth, and it has been worth it." Oh wow, that hurts. But it is true.

I have to put in a disclaimer here that I have a true and constant friend who has been here for me through thick and thin for many, many years. She calls me when I don't want to talk to anybody and makes me realize I really did want to talk after all. She listens when no one else will. She has forgiven me when I've hurt her. She invites me to do things with her. We've cried together. We've laughed together. And it's always been that way with her. And I am SOOOO thankful for her. And many people have said that if you have one true friend in your life you are very rich. Well, I am wealthy indeed.

But then I just had this awful thought. That relationship was easy to maintain because it is used to distance. Most of our relationship happens over the phone because of where we live. These others have been close in proximity to where I live (just down the block). They have been strained because we are used to spending time together in little snippets of life. And since that just couldn't happen this whole past year, they have significantly faded. And life is all about changes as we know. I just pray some day I am not mourning the loss of this friendship, too. What if there is a day when she can no longer pick up the phone because she is overwhelmed with some life circumstance? Lord, may it never be. May I love her the same no matter what time or life brings our way.

And even those who have gone on with their lives are true friends. It's just that our relationship has taken a turn and looks very different than it did a year ago. I am learning to accept that and love them where they're at. I must accept that they have new friends that have taken my place. I guess I'm jealous, really. Jealous that the things we used to do together they now do with someone else. Pretty ugly, huh?

So I think the main crux of the pain comes from seeing their lives in motion and mine completely at a stand still. It is as if I'm holding a snow globe and watching a scene from an old time Christmas pageant. Everyone is happy, delighted, making plans, talking about the things they are going to be doing together. And I'm just watching. I sound like such a complainer, right? And I'm sure if God could give me a talking to it would be similar to what Job heard at the end just before God restored everything to him. I keep shaking the ball, hoping I'll see something else but it just doesn't change.

When I look back over the year and wonder what went wrong I realize a few things. One, I just couldn't be there for my friends. I couldn't attend park days because I was sick or needing to sleep or be on bed rest. I would send the kids and sleep the afternoon away. Eventually I just wasn't missed anymore. When I came off of bed rest and had A all I wanted to do was go shopping. It had been so long. I really missed it and I wasn't quite sure I could manage it. It had been four months of no shopping of any kind! I should have invited others along. But I already felt at that point that no one needed me and I'd only be a nuisance to make them tag along. I'd do that differently if I could. Maybe I gave them the impression I didn't want to be with them.

I don't know. Maybe it couldn't have been any different. I remember last year sitting by the pool, trying to talk to everyone. But I felt sick to my stomach from "morning" sickness and my entire being was completely overwhelmed by the thought of a new baby in our life. It would be equivalent to trying to maintain a meaningful conversation while having a stomach virus for four months. It just didn't happen. So the second thing I have learned is to look for people on the fringes and reach out. If there is someone who is pregnant or just had a baby I hope I am more sensitive now and more willing to befriend them.

Maybe I'm just overreacting? Maybe all this will sort itself out in a few months and they will all realize I'm still alive and make room for me again. I don't know. But until then I feel I am being swallowed alive and I must do something about it. I have a few friends that I'd like to invest in, get to know better, put the fishing line out if you will. And then there's the lady I met at Barnes and Noble. She was friendly and outgoing. She said she wanted to get together with me. That could work.

Maybe God is moving me through a different season. Well, I guess that's obvious! Maybe it's a time to invest in new relationships, forging new bridges. Of course, my hope is that I will at least remain in some sort of contact with those that have been such dear friends around here. But maybe these new friendships will be opportunities I would have missed otherwise if all this wouldn't have happened.

But for now...it's April and it hurts.