Collecting Thoughts

My computer won't let me comment on Alisa's blog for some reason. So I just decided to respond here. It will give me an opportunity to collect some of my thoughts. I really appreciate what she has to say! I am flabbergasted (but in a way not really) at the similarities of what we are feeling. It is comforting to know that others are going through the same things.

I, too, have had the same thoughts. That God is moving me through a different season for a purpose. I love her analogy of opening my hand to allow others in. This is what I sense God saying. There are friendships I often would not pick for myself, but when the friendship has developed I am so thankful and astonished at my love for them.

Just now a friend called in distress. My heart breaks for her. She is worried about losing another baby. I wish I could do more. I would drive over and take care of all her kids for her. God, may you comfort and quiet her with your love. Help her to rest right now not only physically but also in your presence and peace. Keep this baby safe and don't let anything happen to it that is not your will. Watch over my friend and give her wisdom and peace.

I realized this morning when another friend called exactly where the pain was coming from. I miss her. But I must let go and not hold on so tight. She needs to be allowed to have new friendships. I need to allow myself to develop new ones. It's just a scary place to be. But I was thinking about it a lot this weekend out at the LBJ Ranch. Being outside in nature gives me such clarity of thought. It's scary because you don't know if you will be loved as much. Will this other friend still treasure me? Will I still treasure her? Will the new friends work out? Will this happen again? Most likely. And maybe it's as it should be. Micah and I have always said, "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver the other gold." It's just the accepting of this that is hard for me. I know fresh blood is good. It keeps things renewed even among old friends, keeps you from getting in a rut and makes you appreciate who you have. I guess I didn't even realize how tightly I was holding on! Ouch. That hurts, God. And I guess I can choose to loosen my grasp and allow Him to make the change, or I can wait for Him to rip them out of my white knuckle grasp.

This is an area I appreciate in Julie so much. It seems to me she loves life, no matter what comes her way. Everyone is welcome. Life ebbs and flows. People change. Friends come in and out. But she always treasures and loves those that have been in her life. There is always joy in her life no matter who or what is going on. I asked Micah about it and he said he thinks that is one reason he is so easy going. There were always people at the house, playing games, and eating dinner. Friends.

And yet I was touched so deeply at church yesterday. "You're all I need." And as I raised my hands to heaven I just knew that in the deepest part of me that is true. I am His and He is mine.