A Year Gone By

It's official. It's not just hormones. People have gone on with their lives. And why shouldn't they? I've been out of it for a year now. I noticed a piece of paper from a calendar I stuck up on the wall. It seemed like just a few months had passed since doing so. I was suspicious, so I flipped it up to see the date, "April 1" stamped on the back. When I went to visit my mom she pointed out I hadn't been there in a YEAR. What??!??! Apparently when you are old and have a baby a year slips by along with so many other things.

I can't really blame everyone. I've been out of it. I didn't feel good for most of last year. I think there were officially five months of pure goodness. Four of those were the first four months of the year and that was bogged down with co-op. The other month was sometime in September. You just can't maintain friendships on that. And I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I could have picked up the phone and called someone. I could have.

The truth is I'm trying to make it sound all "official" and matter-of-fact when the reality of it all is that it just plain hurts. I have cried myself to sleep only to wake up and begin crying again. And I look at A and think, "This is the sacrifice I have made for your life, for your birth, and it has been worth it." Oh wow, that hurts. But it is true.

I have to put in a disclaimer here that I have a true and constant friend who has been here for me through thick and thin for many, many years. She calls me when I don't want to talk to anybody and makes me realize I really did want to talk after all. She listens when no one else will. She has forgiven me when I've hurt her. She invites me to do things with her. We've cried together. We've laughed together. And it's always been that way with her. And I am SOOOO thankful for her. And many people have said that if you have one true friend in your life you are very rich. Well, I am wealthy indeed.

But then I just had this awful thought. That relationship was easy to maintain because it is used to distance. Most of our relationship happens over the phone because of where we live. These others have been close in proximity to where I live (just down the block). They have been strained because we are used to spending time together in little snippets of life. And since that just couldn't happen this whole past year, they have significantly faded. And life is all about changes as we know. I just pray some day I am not mourning the loss of this friendship, too. What if there is a day when she can no longer pick up the phone because she is overwhelmed with some life circumstance? Lord, may it never be. May I love her the same no matter what time or life brings our way.

And even those who have gone on with their lives are true friends. It's just that our relationship has taken a turn and looks very different than it did a year ago. I am learning to accept that and love them where they're at. I must accept that they have new friends that have taken my place. I guess I'm jealous, really. Jealous that the things we used to do together they now do with someone else. Pretty ugly, huh?

So I think the main crux of the pain comes from seeing their lives in motion and mine completely at a stand still. It is as if I'm holding a snow globe and watching a scene from an old time Christmas pageant. Everyone is happy, delighted, making plans, talking about the things they are going to be doing together. And I'm just watching. I sound like such a complainer, right? And I'm sure if God could give me a talking to it would be similar to what Job heard at the end just before God restored everything to him. I keep shaking the ball, hoping I'll see something else but it just doesn't change.

When I look back over the year and wonder what went wrong I realize a few things. One, I just couldn't be there for my friends. I couldn't attend park days because I was sick or needing to sleep or be on bed rest. I would send the kids and sleep the afternoon away. Eventually I just wasn't missed anymore. When I came off of bed rest and had A all I wanted to do was go shopping. It had been so long. I really missed it and I wasn't quite sure I could manage it. It had been four months of no shopping of any kind! I should have invited others along. But I already felt at that point that no one needed me and I'd only be a nuisance to make them tag along. I'd do that differently if I could. Maybe I gave them the impression I didn't want to be with them.

I don't know. Maybe it couldn't have been any different. I remember last year sitting by the pool, trying to talk to everyone. But I felt sick to my stomach from "morning" sickness and my entire being was completely overwhelmed by the thought of a new baby in our life. It would be equivalent to trying to maintain a meaningful conversation while having a stomach virus for four months. It just didn't happen. So the second thing I have learned is to look for people on the fringes and reach out. If there is someone who is pregnant or just had a baby I hope I am more sensitive now and more willing to befriend them.

Maybe I'm just overreacting? Maybe all this will sort itself out in a few months and they will all realize I'm still alive and make room for me again. I don't know. But until then I feel I am being swallowed alive and I must do something about it. I have a few friends that I'd like to invest in, get to know better, put the fishing line out if you will. And then there's the lady I met at Barnes and Noble. She was friendly and outgoing. She said she wanted to get together with me. That could work.

Maybe God is moving me through a different season. Well, I guess that's obvious! Maybe it's a time to invest in new relationships, forging new bridges. Of course, my hope is that I will at least remain in some sort of contact with those that have been such dear friends around here. But maybe these new friendships will be opportunities I would have missed otherwise if all this wouldn't have happened.

But for now...it's April and it hurts.