I definitely have a problem, and I need some advice. I have given it some time. I have prayed. I have asked others to pray, and I am praying some more. And I will pray yet again. I have some friends that I really feel are ignoring me! They have made new friendships and moved on with their lives. I see them buying special gifts for these others friends and the sentiments are exchanged with nice gifts for them. But I can hardly get a moment on the phone with them. They are always making plans with these new friends that they used to make with me. Things they used to call and tell me they are now calling these other friends about first and I get the, "Oh, by the way" at the park when it's about some life changing event in their life. Geez! I feel like I'm in junior high! This same thing happened to me in elementary school. I had a really good friend, a best friend as we used to call it then. I was sick for two weeks with something and came back. Well! She was then best friends with someone else. Never spoke to me again.
I feel so much the same way. And it hurts! Every time I talk to her I try to make things the way they used to be, but I hurt so much I can barely speak! Help! What do I do? I already emailed one of them to tell them I felt lonely and all I got was, "It's just your hormones." What do I say to her? How do I handle this? I want to buy her something nice because I think that is how she feels loved, but I just don't know what. And by doing so am I just trying to buy her friendship? Am I manipulating her, or am I doing it because I love and care for her?
Cast your votes please. How do I talk to these friends?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
What Do I Do?
Posted by tpot at 3:28 PM
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3 comments:
Tania, my heart is aching for you right now. I will offer you my words of advice just can't guarantee they will be wise ones.
I can't imagine there is one person who has not been hurt by relationship changes. As women are more emotionally invested in their relationships, I believe the changes hurt more.
You are a beautiful, compassionate woman. My first instinct is to take up your offense,tell these women how hurtful they are being to you and make them pay but I know that is not God's way.
Please try to understand what I am trying to say as opposed to how harsh my words may seem.
Have you evaluated the friendships by asking yourself the right questions?
1. Were they there for you throughout this pregnancy via phone calls, emails, home visits knowing you were limited in continuing to invest in the relationship for a short while?
2. Were they investing in you even though your journey (new baby) changed and would be different from now on?
3. A good saying is, "Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option!" Were you a priority or option to them?
Tania, perhaps God has a special friend for you. Perhaps it will be a young mother He wants you to mentor.
I say bless your old friends and invest in making new friends. Remember, God gives us friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime so when you lose a friend(s)due to changes in your life, then I believe it is God's way of saying it is time to move on with who He wants to place in your life.
As for gift for your friend, I see it as "buying" a friendship.
Remember, God may be behind all these changes as He has something else for you.
I am praying for you!
I'm always of the opinion that honesty is the best policy. In love and gentleness, could you express your hurt to this friend? Or even broach the subject very humbly and say, "I'm trying to figure out the new normal in my life and I'd really like for you to be part of it. I miss our old relationship dearly, but know that things are different now. Could you help me see what our new normal might be?" Don't forget to ask that really tough question, "is there anything I have said or done that might have pushed you away?"
If they are anything like most women I know (including myself), they may just be suffering from 'out-of-sight, out-of-mind'. If the friendship is worth reviving, you may have to work at bringing it back into their radar.
Assume the best of them, as you would want them to do for you. And summon up your courage for an honest phone call, fully prepared to accept the results.
Love you, sister, and praying for you!
Ouch! This stuff hurts. And to be told that this is all just your hormones, is just... well, rude! I am sure your friends are wonderful people. I truly hope that this is a case of out of site-out of mind. I might be being a bit defensive for you, here, but, it really bothers me that after a couple of months, you haven't 'been noticed yet.'
I would definately discourage you from buying this friend a gift, just to get noticed on her radar. I know this hurts, but I think that would be sending a wrong message - to both of you.
I honestly, don't know the best thing to do here. It is easy to say, "Go find a new friend." But, coming from someone who doesn't make friends easily, I know just how hard that can be. However, that is what my gut is telling me to do. Maybe this is a message that there is a friend that will meet the needs God knows you have. And the good part will be, you will meet hers. Maybe you are just now able to see a side of your friend that you didn't notice before. Sometimes it takes stepping away from a relationship to see different aspects of it. Is this her M.O.?
If you want to continue to chase after this relationship, then by all means do. But, if it continues to hurt you, then I have to say, something isn't healthy here.
I know you are not perfect. (Though I have always admired your sweetness, honesty, and desire to do the right thing.) However, I think it would be a good idea to open the 'Have I done anything to hurt you?' door. I think that will be your final answer. If it is yes, you can move on and mend the relationship; knowing what the problem has been. If the answer is no, then you can decide whether to continue to relationship as is, or find something more even.
I will be praying for you and your friend - and any future friend that may be sent your way.
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