Sweet Baby

My dear sweet Amber...my heart goes out to you and Jerry. I know you are missing your baby and hurting so bad. I can only imagine a little bit what the hurt must feel like. Please know we are all praying for you both and for Hayden, too. We love you.

Christmas Shopping Extravaganza!

Christmas is done. I have shopped. I have dropped. I am D-O-N-E. Which means...I can now sit by the fire and enjoy my Christmas tree and my family. I can make cookies. I can think straight. I can wait for the presents to arrive that I ordered. I can wrap them leisurely. Did I mention that I've also wrapped all of the presents I've already purchased? I know that it is somewhere around 60 because I purchased three sets of labels with 20 in each and I don't have any left. Unless there's one hiding somewhere...But the presents are under the tree. The kids are excited. And all but ONE has shipped. That ONE is for Elizabeth, and while if it doesn't get here she will be bummed she will at least understand...I hope!

Micah got his IPhone 4 today. He passed down his IPhone 3 to me. Which means that I am probably the only person in the world who has never wanted an IPhone (and still doesn't) but has one! I think that is hilarious. I really resisted him on this b/c I wanted to save the monthly cost, and I personally hate technology. But I could tell he really wanted me to have it and not sell it. So I caved. And now I have an electronic address book basically. I'm sure I'll grow to love it.

Getting Ready for Christmas

Finally...I have a minute. And FINALLY I feel like we're getting ready for the big day. Some presents are bought. The kids are getting excited...I'm thinking of the family we will see. It's going to be a good day. And I'm looking forward to that.

How's everyone else doing?

Where Have I Been

I look over the blogs and it seems so surreal. Where have I been? It's like the world of teaching/motherhood just sucked me right in. I don't even know where I've been, what I've been doing or who you all are! So much has changed in all of your lives that it seems unfamiliar to me and almost as if I'm eavesdropping. Here it is almost Christmas and the year is almost over. I ask myself...what have I been doing? How would I catch you all up on ME? My life is much more boring than any of yours, but it is busy.

I guess I've been waking up at 6:30 since the time change. It was 7:20 before that, so it has been a HUGE adjustment for me. I'm still not there. But my little rooster wakes me every morning.

I nurse my little baby and look at her face, remembering soon she'll be 13. I wonder what she'll be like. I then wrastle everyone else out of bed to get showered and dress. We eat. I go for a walk with a friend, do my exercises, stay in my workout clothes almost all day. But while I am away, we start school immediately. I cram as much information and activities as I can in one day. We used to run errands but I had to stop that. Now I do that on the weekends only if I can help it. We have lunch and continue our cramming. And I juggle the baby and housework and chores getting done, trying to find a little free time for everybody. Sometimes a moment strikes me that everyone is busy and the baby is sleeping. And though I should make the bed or something, rather I lie in it for one or two minutes reveling in the mystery of that two minutes.

And then someone needs me, or four somebody's need me. I get a certain someone ready for their evening classes day in and day out. Sometimes it seems that's all there is. And we return home to make dinner, eat, put away laundry, go pick up that certain somebody. Then I listen to countless stories of all the exercises, laps she ran, how many bumps and bruises she has. I coddle and hug, shower and dress. Put her to bed. Figure out what to do with the baby. And Elizabeth has activities, too.

My life very much feels like touch and go. I'm always figuring out the next moment. And then I go to the next.

So these last few months have been swept away with me trying to keep up with everything, particularly school. In one sort of day I am a math teacher, an astronomy teacher, a physical science teacher, English teacher, History teacher, a physical education and health teacher for three different grade levels, and at the end of the day I'm just plain tuckered out! Sometimes I walk through the house at night muttering to myself as I get things picked up and put away. Usually I get sent to bed for that. I think I'll put myself to bed, too.

Hello

I haven't written in so long that I don't really want to start out griping, but that's really why I'm posting! When I feel I can't turn to anyone, I guess I blog. I guess my plate's been pretty full lately and I haven't had time or something.

Do you ever feel damned if you do and damned if you don't? I'm in one of those pickles now. I'm on a costume committee where I am one of the only two who can sew. The ones who can't sew want us to re-use the costumes from last year where we can. I think that's very kind as they are not wanting to overload the two of us who know how to sew. They think it's a waste that their mom sewed a costume that will never be used again. Is that really my problem? I don't feel it is.

My predicament is that I have a daughter who would very much like a new costume, and I don't mind sewing one for her. So do you see my dilemma? If I sew a costume I am pleasing my husband and daughter but upsetting the others who really NEED me to sew costumes for them. Actually I'm supposed to be helping the kids sew costumes, but in reality I don't know if that will work. We'll see. Why is it that every good thing has to have a sour side at some time or another? So I feel crunched to please the people I love but realize I cannot please all of them in this situation.

My solution: Get all the other costumes sewn and then crunch in one last costume for Elizabeth at the end. I really don't think they can be mad if I use my spare time to do so. But I find myself angry with everyone that they have put me in this predicament. Next time I will state that I will have to talk with my kids first and then make their costumes second. Sorry.

Abe Books... I love it!!!!

Okay, I just ordered some books from my new favorite place to order books....Abe books. You should check it out. Most likely they have what you need and what you love.

BUT...as I checked out I thought the price was a little high. I ignored it. And then I noticed I accidentally ordered two books I had already ordered! Oh well. At least they were all so cheap that in the end I still saved money. But gheez. How old am I getting? I think they were in my basket and it wasn't until I signed in when ordering that those books popped up. I'll know to check next time. Never crossed my mind, but I'm sure they asked and I said it was okay.

The Enemy of Our Souls

Here's a post just for Tammie. I wanted to comment on her blog but then it just came out all weird. So I decided to spend some time on it here because it's exactly what I have been going through.

"You should clean,
your kids aren't doing their chores,
or enough school (we schooled until 5 yesterday),
they don't know anything,
you're doing TOO much school,
you should paint the walls,
your house is a mess,
you don't even have groceries planned out,
you spend too much money,
what do I do next???,
I'm so confused,
I can't even find a pencil,
or figure out a schedule for school,
you should have already mailed those packages a week ago,
you don't even have all the supplies you need,
loser,
I'm overwhelmed,
am I doing this right?,
I should play with Abby more".
These are all the thoughts and feelings I've been struggling with all week. And you know what? I believed it. This post is going to be a little preachy because I am fed up with the devil. And the anger you hear is directed at such a loser. I am not the loser.

So I will try to keep it short. It is the enemy of our souls who is prowling around like a lion seeking whom he can devour. He is telling us all these lies about ourselves. And that's just it. They are lies. Let me clarify. It is true that I need a schedule and I do need supplies, but it is NOT true that I am a loser because of it. Nor can I possibly get all the things done I think I should. God is real and true and good and because of HIM, not me, we will get to the end of this homeschooling road and see a beautiful success. Believe me. I have been in the thick of it.

It took another friend to help me see that it was the devil talking to me. Because the truth of it is that Tammie, your house is beautiful. If it weren't for kids I'd have sandwiches or cheese and crackers every night. I'm sure there were lots of nights that Jesus didn't cook a fancy dinner. And you ARE overwhelmed at work. You are stressed and need to take a load off at home. We do need to exercise, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it. The same friend is always encouraging me to just do 15 minutes of whatever it is that needs to be done. She says, "Just walk for 10 or 15 minutes. That's all you need, and it doesn't have to be every day. Just try 3 times a week. Just draw for 15 minutes, Tania. Just put all the junk in a basket and put it away for 15 minutes." I'm hoping this is helping and not just adding on piles of more guilt. Sometimes we need to hear new ideas or give ourselves permission to not do something. And sometimes we need to tell ourselves to just do whatever is bugging us for 15 minutes.

After having this realization this week I feel so much more aware. Not that I still haven't struggled with feeling overwhelmed, because I have! But it sounds like the enemy could be distracting both of us from finding that peace and rest that we so desperately need!

Another friend told me something cute this week. She homeschools, too. When her kids were little she'd always shake her head and say, "we're so behind. we're so behind. But, we're behind Jesus!". And if you knew her you'd know she really was. Now, her kids tell her that when she gets stressed that they are behind. Her point was to seek first the kingdom of God. And I realized that if I do that first every day (read His Word and pray) that NOTHING else matters in the whole day, it's all behind Jesus. I can rest assured that my to-do list of 1000 things can just wait and it's all in His hands if I place it there every morning. Now I take 10 or 15 minutes every day and read and pray. When I'm done I have so much peace that the most important thing has happened for the whole day.

So, I pass that on for what it's worth. I hope it brings you some courage to kick a little bootie!

And here's a quote that I have clung to for the past couple of days:

"God wants us to move through this day with a quiet heart & peaceful certainty that our lives are in His hands." Roy Lessin

Well, it sounded better for my situation, but maybe it'll help. I've also been writing scripture in my journal every day to help me focus on God's Word so that all the other voices will fade away. And I'd really like to hang more scripture around my house to help me remember His promises. BUT! I'm not going to feel guilty about it!

May I just say that all of us need to post more? This is getting ridiculous. You know what's going on here? Allergies. I am dizzy all day from my ears being clogged up. All blood tests came back fine. I was prescribed a nose spray that makes my throat feel like it's on fire. Fun. I get to choose between a fiery throat and not being able to stand up. Let's see....what do I feel like today? Well, I can tell you after not sleeping well last night I am not using the spray today.

Oh, and my mom gave me money to spend on some books. God bless you, Mom. I was so excited. I used it to purchase a schedule/literature program for Elizabeth that I had been drooling over. Relief. That's all I feel. Relief.

I haven't exercised in a week. Not easy to exercise when you can't really stand up straight. Wish I could make the letters to that last sentence drop off the edge or something.

We're trying a new math program this year. I cannot wait. It is new and called Math on the Level. You completely tailor each day to each child and what they need to learn. Lots of real life examples and games, charts, cooking, etc are thrown in each week in addition to just 5 daily review problems. Can you imagine? You can do more if you want. And you do a lot of practice problems for whatever concept is being taught. But no more endless pages of addition, subtraction, division etc. It specializes in teaching you how to combine several concepts into one problem so they can learn many, many concepts in one fell swoop. We need this so that we can focus on some other things like writing, history, science, etc.

Ah...Sweet Friendship!

I have met with a friend today who showed me her entire library of history books! She has such a wonderful array of books and ideas and curriculum. She said I could use it all for FREE! And it is so much better than the curriculum I wanted to purchase for $600! See how God closes one venue because He wants us to head in another direction!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

First Day of School and the Best Situations

WELL, it's begun. Though I deny it and say we are starting Tuesday, the reality is that we have begun. And like any other school ours lacks perfection. Everyone is still waking up bleary eyed, or maybe that's the bleariness from my eyes making everyone else look bleary...anyway, we're still working on that.

But once we are all dressed, and I do take the longest, we have gathered for two days in a row to discover something about the history of our nation. We have been gathering on this subject now for a year, but this is the farthest we have gotten lately. It makes for a little confusion, "You know that chapter we read a year ago before I went on bedrest? Yeah, that's what we're talking about."

And then there's the usual conversations I have to have with certain people that if they don't get their act together they will either be shipped off to school or we will have to move and stop all fun activity in order for them to attend private school. How do people afford private school? Do you know it costs over $700 a month? $700 a month! That is ridiculous. Incredulous. Really. That's two car payments or a mortgage payment (w/o the taxes). Really. So, today I have concluded that homeschooling is a poor man's private school, since we are legally thus. I spend less than one month's tuition on ALL of our books in one year; though, I could spend more..easily.

Which brings me to my other lament. I cried today. Something about the first day of school, and it has to do with previously mentioned persons complaining about previously mentioned school material. Anyway, I just feel so frustrated that often I cannot afford to purchase the materials I really want. I shelled out $225 last night for math, and need to purchase $60 more. Now this will cover two children, and it should last with them through 6th or 7th grade at least. But STILL! This realization that I will NEVER have all the materials I desire led me to change my science curriculum at the last minute today. I pulled out the science book we were supposed to do last year and started on it. I just made up my mind and did it. That saves me about $30. Not much, but it's a little. And you know what, it's wonderful! It wasn't anybody's first choice, but we're all enjoying it thoroughly.

But it does frustrate me to purchase a really great history curriculum and find the kids are confused. And it doesn't have anything to do with picking up from where we left off. They were confused then, too. It has gaps, and I'm trying to figure out how to fill in the gaps. My dream situation would be to shell out $600 (yes!) and purchase Elizabeth an entirely new curriculum for history and let us continue with what we are doing. But I'm not going to do that. I may try to find harder books for her at the library that will fill in the gaps better and challenge her a little more.

But education is interesting to me. People spend a lot of money on it. I am one of those said persons. But I have found I don't spend nearly as much as some and I'm sure I spend a whole lot more than others. But I cried today because I didn't have the money to do what I wanted, and I cried because I felt inferior as a teacher and a mother. I just felt like this whole year I could have done a better job of saving for books and their education in order to get the books I wanted. But now it's too late, and I feel kind of stuck with what we have. Well, somehow I'm going to have to make the most of what we have. And usually those are the best situations.

I'm feeling Better

It's taken me a couple of days to shake the sadness. But I'm doing better. I watered the dead lawn and flowers. That made me feel better. I guess I thought, "at least I tried." I'm planning a baby shower for a dear friend. Everything's monkeys, and it's so cute! I'll give more details later when she may not be reading this!

Micah and Elizabeth are painting her room. I haven't done a thing! Can you imagine? I didn't know this were possible. I thought my family was only capable of painting with my help. This sheds new light on things...like the living room could get painted without me!

Looking forward to seeing family next weekend. Rebecca has a meet today. I won't be going, but I'm excited for her.

Anybody want coffee? She's selling instant coffee for $30 a box. It's expensive but it contains ganoderma mushroom. Sounds gross, but you really can't taste or see mushrooms in your coffee. I think it's pretty darn good, and I hate instant coffee. Apparently, it makes a difference to spend a little more than on Folgers. (Which I really like Folgers for regular coffee).

I'm rambling and don't really have much to say. But my depression helped me see a few things around the house I want to do like paint, buy lamps, and possibly get a headboard. Oh, we HAVE to have more flowers around here.

That's all.

Sadness and Questions

We lost a dear friend last week. He used to be our next door neighbor. He was only 41. He was dear because he loved everybody. How do you come to grips with that? He knew the Lord. That is our comfort. But it has brought many questions to my mind. A week ago tonight I couldn't sleep either.

one. Is this it? i mean. I have a 13 year old, and I thought maybe we'd have deeper conversations by now. But sometimes I just feel like we're going through the motions. Like we're all just existing in this house with not much going on. Is this normal? Do most households feel this way at one point or another? I pictured us as a lively bunch. With lots of fun imaginable things going on here. Not happening. I kind of think we used to do more fun things when they were little. Now it's all about cleaning and taking everyone somewhere. I don't like it.

two. I still haven't painted my house. That's sounds silly to think about when someone dies. But really that's what I'm thinking about. So it must be important. I want to feel warm and cozy in my house, not like it's some empty shell.

three. R will be gone three nights a week starting next week, and I am saddened to the point that I can't hold back the tears. I don't think we'll be keepin' on with gymnastics for much longer. I know she wanted to go to the olympics, but I think we all know that is probably not very likely. I want my family to be home together every night possible! I want things to go back to the way they used to be before they all grow up and leave the house. Do you ever wish you could grab those days back? Those young days when you ate what you could scrape together. Christmases gone by. Happy days with friends. I miss all of that to the point that I taste bitterness in my mouth. I want us to be together! I might make it to October, and then I don't think I can do this anymore. And how do you come to grips with your kids growing up and leaving? I see now why some parents hang to their kids to the point of making them dependent until they're like 40 or something. They just want things to stay the same.

four. I want to be with friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and won't ever go away. I know. i can't control that and neither can they. But I don't like this arrangement that people can leave whenever. This is not our home. This is not our home. Our home is in Heaven. God is my Father, and I belong with Him forever.

five. I miss years ago when we knew we'd have park day every Thursday. Now the heat keeps it all away. And for some reason, then I didn't care if we didn't meet. What did I do with myself? I guess I went shopping. Bah! That takes money. Pooh. I wish I could just plop at someones house until I felt better.

six. I love God, and I am amazed at His workmanship. I love my family and my friends. I love my home, even though it feels a little empty right now. I love my little baby and pray God's peace on her. I pray God's peace on my friends, too, right now.

Change is coming

I feel fear grip my heart. Often I wonder if I am living my life as Christ would have me live it. Am I reaching those around me? No, I am staying in. I create my own little bubble, and I keep others out. I want to affect change for the kingdom of God. I want to be there for the brokenhearted, the needy, the ones who need Jesus. But I don't know how. I feel chained to the way I have always done things. But I must break out and do things differently.

When Jesus went to heaven he said that we were to go and make disciples. I am doing that with my children (though i think I could do better), but I am not doing it with those around me. Am I loving the unlovable? We do not know how long they will be here. They could be gone in an instant. Do I stereotype people and say, "They are not the Christian type?" We are all lost. We are all in need of Christ. It is just that we have been found by the Almighty, stripped and made clean and new. That is what I want for those around me. It means I am going to have to get dirty. I am going to have to be uncomfortable. I am going to have to change. Can I do this?

I will pray.

Abigail

You are 7 months old, and the highlight of our life. Your smile not only lights up the room but our hearts, too. Your joy and delight in every little thing is so refreshing.

You love your Daddy beyond measure. In the mornings you would rather look at him fixing his hair than eat your breakfast. And then you wonder why he makes that loud sound when he turns on the blow dryer. It scares you every time, and you look a little concerned. But you just can't wait til he comes around the corner to grab his shoes. Because then you get to smile at him. You have a little plan to catch his attention and steal a little kiss. And it works...every time.

You love kissing Blaine and grabbing his ears. Watching him play basketball or the wii entertains you for hours. He's great about laying down on the floor with you and giving you hugs. He wants to dress you in the cutest clothes possible and empathising when you cry. He sure does love you.

You get excited when Rebecca comes to play. Especially when she's been away at gymnastics you get hyped up to hear her say, "I miss-t-ed YOU!" over and over again. That's makes you laugh. She seems to know just what every baby would want to play.

Elizabeth loves caring for you and comes running when you start fussing. I suppose she's my second pair of hands. She notices every new thing you do and delights in it all. She picks the best toys for you to play with, too. You and her have lots of fun games you play like "peek-a-boo" and "look at the cereal box".

And for me. Well, I love it when you hold out your arms like you could never live another second without me. When I'm not home and you have to take a bottle I'm told you clutch it for dear life and say mama repeatedly. That makes my heart melt like chocolate on a warm day.

You have learned to stand up in your crib by yourself. When Rebecca found you like that we all were in disbelief. But as I stood there and watched you do it again and again I cried. My little girl, my little baby was all grown up. So now you can't sleep in your crib. Why? Because you are 27", and the crib is only 20" tall. I tried taking the bumpers out, but you got your legs all tangled up. So we are buying you a net to go over the top of your crib!

At 5-1/2 months you got on your knees. You still rock back and forth, but yesterday not only did you learn to stand in your crib, you learned to push up to a sitting position. You are working on grabbing Daddy's chair and pulling yourself up. I'm sure you'll figure it out soon. Just a few weeks ago you learned how to get your toes in your mouth. You worked on that for a while, and now you have it down.

Your favorite toys are your electric piano, books, teethers, your rabbit, and your nursery rhyme talking books. You have bitten me a few times with those two cute little teeth. You weigh about 19 pounds and can hardly squeeze into 12 month clothes. You love rice cereal and will eat no other kind of cereal. When you ran out and we bought you some more you were so excited and said, "Mmmmmm" over and over again. You don't like applesauce or bananas. You have tolerated green beans but sometimes refuse to open your mouth. But at least you don't make that face that says, "I'm going to throw up if you give me more."

All in all you have amazed us. You have accomplished things well before any of the other kids. While this astounds me, it scares me, too. I hope you know we love you and think you're amazing even if you couldn't do these things. I imagine God has great things in store for you, and He has given you a wonderful family to witness your beautiful life.

I Love...

coffee in the morning.

little toes...

smiling babies who throw their heads back....

Big toes...

scratching Blaine's back.

snuggling next to my husband.

sleeping...I haven't gotten enough of it lately.

really good blog posts.

the blog world.

great photos.

watching my children grow up. They have been riding their bikes over to a friend's house and taking care of a bunny, three dogs, four chickens, four gardens, and four cats all by themselves! Today they stayed late because they made a mess on the kitchen floor and had to sweep it up. YES!

teaching school.

snuggling with Blaine.

watching Elizabeth brush her hair.

rubbing Rebecca's cheeks when she smiles.

picturing my husband's face.

eating things I shouldn't like vanilla cake and ice cream.

not exercising when I should and then I love it when I start back up again.

making new meals for my family and seeing them enjoy them.

being lazy every once in a while.

reading a good book.

rainy days...wish we had one.

FALL. Will it ever get here?

Watching Blaine's excitement over finding Presidents cards at Target.

Sending my oldest girl to swim with her friend without me.

Seeing Becca's cute little figure from working out all the time.

How Great is Our God

We are all posting on the same days...

Abigail is officially 7 months old today. Boohoo. It's so happy-sad to see your kids grow into healthy wonderful people. But I can't seem to spend enough time with her to feel like I'm grabbing hold of all those wonderful moments.

Rebecca did really well at her first gymnastics meet! We were proud to see her shine!!! Her total score was 34.55 out of 40. She received four red ribbons! I'm quite proud of my girl! (Vault: 8.9 Bars: 8.4 Beam 8.55 Floor 8.7) Only two of her teammates went placement for this meet, and they received first and second place overall! Rebecca will compete for placement not this meet but the next.

I have purchased enough school books to teach 7 children. Now I have to organize them all and find a place for them.

The kids are taking care of our neighbors dogs, cats, and chickens. The chickens have now eaten everything from our fridge, and I don't know what else to give them. I think I'll pull some weeds or something tomorrow. Will that kill them?

I'm planning baby shower games and determined to be creative without corny.

I'm doing a variation on Julie & Julia. I've NEVER had a recipe work out in my crockpot. I've owned it for almost 15 years. Before giving it the boot, I bought a crockpot cookbook; and I'm making one crockpot recipe every day. Today we had bread pudding! Yum!

I love the book "The Ministry of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson

I have learned what it means that we cannot give away what we do not have. We cannot give God's grace to our children when we have not received it for ourselves. I love the women in my Bible study. They are so awesome.

Abby's Tricks

Abigail is so amazing. I watched her on the floor today and she got up on her tippy toes while balanced on her fore arms. I tease her that she is a 9 month old in a 6 month old body.

While I took a nap on the couch she tried to grab the blanket away from me. She LOVES blankets. I can't wait till she can sleep with one. She could probably use the one Aunt Christy made her because it is tiny, but I haven't wanted to take a chance yet. I'm a little uptight, I know.

She can play on the floor sitting up, bend over to reeeeach for something and sit back up.

She can sit on the floor and get on her tummy! (Wow! that girl has amazing control of her body).

If you stand her up she can hold on to the side of her pack and play.

Mexia

We just got back from the wonderful town of Mexia. It was so absolutely wonderful to be around FAMILY. I just loved it! I hope everyone loves us as much as we love them. I mean I hope we didn't get on everyone's NERVES too much. I know I can be grumpy and indecisive and just down right stupid at times. But it was great to be around PEOPLE. I had a blast!

And Tammie's Amazing Race was fabulous!!!!!!! We are all sore over here and nursing our wounds. But it was well worth it. I hope everyone else is well. My feet hurt mostly because I was dumb and didn't bring good running shoes and wore my crocs instead.

Now it's to the laundry we go! I've already got a few loads of sheets washed, but I think we'll be working on this all day.

Thanks, family, for making it such an amazing trip. We really enjoyed seeing all of you. And thanks, Mom and Tammie, for all you did to plan it and make it a success!!!

Julie & Julia

I just watched Julie & Julia tonight. Did anyone else tune in? I know I should be in bed. We're supposed to make posters in the morning for a car wash. But I just had to finish it. That movie just makes me smile for some reason. And when I last watched it I think I was pregnant. I couldn't do anything. I remember my sweet husband asking me if I wanted her cookbook. I'm pretty sure I gave him a look that would have melted all the butter used in that movie. But now....well, I'm at least considering it. A friend brought me her beef Bourguignon as prepared by Julia. It was marvelous and she even forgot one of the main ingredients!

At any rate I just find her life and person fascinating. My aunt commented that some book written either by her or another author was even better than the story in the movie. I'll have to ask her again.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/recipe?id=8222804 for that marvelous recipe!

Squeaky Wheels

Had a dream that has kept me up. Thankfully I went to bed at 8:45, so I am well rested. Can you imagine going to bed that early? I vaguely remember the children coming to tell me goodnight.

Don't you hate dreams that keep you up? You wish you could change the end or write the rest of it so you could GO TO SLEEP!

My mom came to visit. It was so refreshing to see her. We went to lots of places, which we hardly ever do. We went to the mall, the spicy pickle, to a play, and mardel's. Have you been to the spicy pickle? It's marvelous! Probably not good for the waistline I'm trying to shrink, but it's GOOD! Everyone must try. I love the Italian sandwich.

I took her to a play my friend wrote about bunko. It is hilarious, and if you live in this area it is still showing on Sunday I think around noon. It's bunko, ghosts, and margaritas. I've seen it three times now, and I just love it.
.....
Did I mention Abby has officially said "mama"? She says it all the time when she's sad. Soooo cute! Nothing like that to melt mama's heart! She sits up a little by herself, too. Sooooo sweet. That girl just smiles and chubs. So much chubbiness. Oh my! This weekend we couldn't even get a 12 mo. outfit on her, and she's 6 mo. old! I think it was the way it was made, but still!
....
I've been exercising a lot every day. I think that is why I'm so tired. I took an hour and a half nap yesterday, too. And still went to bed so early.
.....
Watched Blaine play basketball yesterday. He is so incredibly cute. Every time he made a shot he'd look over to me. I tried to hoot, clap, and smile like a fool. Boys have such a conquering instinct don't they? Got to have our attention and our encouragement. Lord, help us! I think he made 7 shots. Can you believe that? Once a boy let go of the ball and instantaneously he whizzed around and grabbed it. Suddenly he had the ball. It all happened in a flash. They're not allowed to "steal", but he said the boy let go of it and he grabbed it. He must have an eye like superman because the whole thing happened in the blink of an eye. I know I'm biased, but I think he could really end up being good at this. Elizabeth and I sat on the wrong side of the court and in the background I kept hearing other parents say, "number 9....". That's my boy's number! No one on the other team that I could see had that number. He's just so precious. Half the time he looked like a monkey, out there running around like crazy trying to get the ball from someone. And you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."
.....
This is for Aunt Jenny. Now don't freak out. Elizabeth and I were talking about letter writing. She wrote a letter to a friend and the whole thing was ONE PARAGRAPH! I about freaked myself. But I calmly tried to point out her spelling errors and SMILE. And then she brought it up. Whew. I was trying to tread carefully, you understand.

She said, "I just change thoughts so quickly. It's kind of weird."

"Yes, that is why people use paragraphs," I said calmly to her.

Later on in the day she was reading and she says so matter-of-fact, "Oh, you're right mom. They change paragraphs when they change thoughts."

She WILL be taking a writing class this year I might add. What the heck have we been talking about for the past three years? At least I was able to make my point to her without her feeling hit over the head.

Misfits

Well, I'm here again. I'm neither her nor there. Isn't there a candy bar like that? I think so. But then I KNOW God sees me. He knows my every thought. He knows when I lie down and when I get up. Before a word is on my tongue, he KNOWS it. He thinks of me more throughout the day than the sands upon the sea. Right now the sand is filled with tar, but He thinks of me the same.

What has happened since I last blogged is that I am feeling it all over again. It has been a little here and a little there. And then this week it all came rushing in like a flood. My hormones have not changed drastically, though I am SURE they are constantly changing in many ways we do not even understand. But I now see a pattern. And I think I have pinpointed the cause of my sadness. And I have validated that I do need friendship. I still don't have solutions, but I have answers. The problem: there are certain people that drain me. I love their friendship, but when I am around them I just feel jealous. I am jealous of the close friendships they are sharing with those around them. And I feel I am competing for their friendship. That is so tiring! I know I sound like I'm 11, and I would possibly agree with you on this point. At any rate, I have finally faced the reality that I am just plain jealous and need to repent. So, I am doing that.

It is obviously not God's plan for me to have this super close relationship with these ladies that I desire. And I need to be okay with that. I'm getting there but not yet. I do still want to be their friends, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I think it goes something like this: I see them on occasion and do things with them, but God is filling me up in so many other areas that I do not NEED to have their friendship to the extent that I used to.

Here's my point: God really blessed me this weekend with a day full of fun. I was able to spend some time with three really sweet ladies whom I adore and their mother. One lives out of town, so I don't see her much. We saw a play and had some lunch. My cup came home overflowing with gratitude and happiness. This is what made me realize I'm missing the boat somehow. I realized I am not depressed, because I actually felt very happy and still do. The problem is that I am spending time with people who I feel drained by instead of people who make me feel loved and filled up. I don't know exactly how to change that or make it different, but when I pray I sense God saying, "I'm doing something.". So, on one hand I feel I need to wait and SEE what He is doing.

On the other hand I feel God saying I am to DO something. Figuring out which activity falls into which category is a little tricky. I was inspired by my friend who moved away and experienced much of what I am feeling now. She started a bunko group (I love mine and don't need to trade that in), a play group and joined a Sunday school class of people in the same stage of life. I really feel God has something for me to DO. I just don't know where or how or when. I have tried connecting at church. I have been told, "I don't have time to be your friend." (!) and "You can't be in mops because you homeschool your kids." (!) Which I don't really know if the latter is true. However, I find the insensitivities of others very confounding. When both of those statements were doled out I had prefaced them with, "I'm feeling very alone right now and looking for relationships." Their responses are enough to make someone want to jump off a bridge. What are we saying to each other, ladies? What has God's bride become? What are we like as Christians? Are our words reflecting our beliefs? Better yet are our ACTIONS reflecting God's Word? Not always. I want to start something. I want to show people that God loves the broken hearted, the misfits, the in-betweens, the nothings in life. I know because He loves ME.

And then I'll never forget the sweet little red head at church. I don't really know her, but she makes you feel like you do. When I told her I felt alone she gave me words of comfort and tried to think of places I could plug in. Even today when I feel all alone her love brings comfort and consoles me. These were truly the words of Jesus, the healing balm from His understanding heart to mine!

My dilemma (and if you're tired of hearing about it, just click on to someone else's blog because I need to talk about it. My blog is the only place I can safely do so):
I don't know anyone with a baby. It's true. The closest friend with a baby is 45 minutes away. But then while it seems important to know some people with babies it seems even more important to have friends I can be real with, no matter their life stage. I think a mix of both would be good, and it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen at church! They are all into themselves and what baby toy is the coolest and what brand of clothes they are putting on their babies. Bleck! I could care less. I buy whatever is at Kid to Kid. And see there, I sense God pointing me to certain people who are the same way but I've never spent much time with.

When I gather with my beloved "close" friends it seems they have made close ties with new people and I just feel jealous. It's sad, but it's true. And I wonder how many other women have felt the way I do. I'm suspicious that all have because I think I'm pretty typical. So then I feel guilty for wanting relationship with others. I typically want to run away. I think of getting a job at kohl's just so I have an excuse to not be around them. But God confirmed in my heart today that I NEED to be with other believers. We were hard-wired that way. Some more than others. I'm the more than others type, in case you wondered. Now, I don't want these friends to feel smothered by me or that they cannot have other friends. So, I really just think (round two of this whole thing) that I am not handling this correctly. But no one really never tells you how to handle friendships.

So I am praying. Why do I feel so filled up by the three women I spent time with yesterday? I have known them for a while. But I like that they are REAL with me. And I feel I can be real with them. I can tell them I feel lonely. I don't feel like I'm competing for a relationship with them like some sort of prize. That only makes me feel inadequate, unimportant and unloved.

I think the answer is a three-pronged one. One, I am to continue with the friendships I have. Love them as best I can but don't try to "win" their affection. Think of ways to spend time with them and have fun, but take it all in stride. Second, find some people in the same life stage...somebody my age that I can relate to has to have a baby yet isn't completely wrapped up in name brands. Third, I need some spiritual connection with ladies who are mature believers and can challenge me to live for Christ and be a joy to be around.

So what is God doing? Only He can answer this. And time will tell. In order to meet people in the same life stage am I to pursue a mops group? Am I to join a stroller exercise class? I think I'm supposed to try these and see if anything turns up. But it just seems like many of us are in the "in-betweens" or "no man's land" of life. Yes, we may have teens and could go to the adolescent sunday school class. But then I feel stranded with a baby on my hip and feel some need is still not being met. How does that fit in? I want to start a class called the "Funny Place". It would be for all those people who do not fit the mold of another sunday school class. Maybe they're between jobs, between life stages, or just misfits. Wouldn't that be fun? I think we are all truly misfits, some of us just don't realize it.

Or maybe I'm to start a Bible study with my neighbors. I don't know. In times like these it's important to realize the areas where we do feel we are being fed. I love my bunko group, I love my family, and I love the handful of people God has put in my life. I'm just figuring out what to do with the rest. How do I pick up the pieces and DO something with them all the while trusting God that HE IS doing something, too? I am reminded of that song by Brandon Heath:

"Give me Your eyes for just one second.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.
Everything that I keep missing.
Give me Your love for humanity.
Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted.
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see."

Thanks for listening, my little blog world. You are all my friends and I am glad to know you!!!

Well After Three Days...

of no kids, I still haven't finished the house yet. Guess what? It's still a mess. Surprised? I am. Somehow I thought it'd all get done. Every closet organized, every room sparklin' clean. But it just won't happen. And if it won't happen with them gone...well, let's not think about that.

But I did spend lots of time with my precious Abby. We got used to each other while they were away. Found ourselves a little routine, and she has decided she really likes me. Before I couldn't tell. But now I can. And all that's priceless.

Other than that I did finish up my room and my closet (somewhat). I made a meal for a friend. I cried over old photographs and letters in my closet. And I started missing my kids. I'll be glad to have at least two of them back tomorrow and I can't wait to see Blaine on Friday. All chaos will return to normal on Monday. :)

It's More Like Falling in Love...

Have you heard the song by Jason Gray called "More Like Falling in Love"? It's wonderful. Very moving.

You know what's funny? Once you don't blog for a while anything you want to say seems trivial. You all know what I'm talking about.

The kids are gone for three days. I'm having fun. I cleaned my kitchen yesterday and did all the laundry. I also mowed half the yard and went for a walk. I threw away stuff and organized till I was pooped. Today I have played. I took Abby to Kid to Kid and we got a drink at Sonic's Happy Hour. Somehow I always get snookered at resale shops. I take in a pile of stuff, they keep a few things, give me a $6 credit, and I spend $35. How's that helping me? Haven't figured that one out yet. But we now have three pairs of pajamas, a set of soft block, a beautiful brand new dress from Children's Place, a swimsuit, a swimsuit cover-up, oh yeah and two hair bows. That's what I really went there for, the bows. Ah well. Looking through her drawer is like needing to clean out a flower bed. I feel I am constantly weeding out clothes that she can no longer wear. So much of it she only wore a handful of times. Some she never wore. They literally grow like weeds!

But today I found this really cute hat in her drawer that has this ruffly thing on the back and a little strap that goes under her chin. Oh my! She's a cutie!!!

And now she does the cutest thing. When she gets tired she'll grab your face and plant her mouth on your chin, and your nose, and your cheeks. She'll open her mouth and rub her face side to side. The slobber and the cuteness of it all sends me to gigglin' and she just thinks that is hilarious and keeps doing it. It's some kind of delirious state, but I love it!

What else did I do today? I sorted out what I'm going to wear to a wedding in a month and ordered a bathing suit. That was enough to take up a whole day, but I got it all done this morning. Micah thinks I'm nutty, but a girl's got to have a swimsuit and a cover-up. I hate not having a cover-up, and honestly I never have one because I can't find one I like and can afford. Well, I found one at Lands End for $10 with free shipping. Can't beat that. Now I just hope it fits. Same for the bathing suit.

My back is feeling better. I have finished all my doc appts for that. They have given me exercises to continue forever and ever. They strengthen the core. I love doing them because they are easy and I can tell a big difference.

Abby makes me laugh. I love her so much!

Heavenly Gardens

Our weekend was spectacular. We drove down a secluded dirt road. One would never know it would lead to anywhere but a grass farm. There are grass farms everywhere down there, and this was just another one of them. Anyway, you drive and drive and wonder why you are driving down a skinny dirt road only meant for a tractor when suddenly you cross two cattle guards and you enter paradise. It's like entering another world. I felt like I was in a magical place like the Secret Garden or Cair Pavel. If ever I needed a place to hide out, this would be it. It was breathtaking. Unbelievable. My aunt's "ranch" is like better homes and gardens on steroids. They have poured more sweat and toil in this place than imaginable. And, oh yea, money. That's helped immensely. The first thing you see is the barn. There are two murals painted on the sides. They were painted by teenagers, so they are cute but in an eclectic sort of way. But I wondered if I was at the right place. And then I asked myself, "Who else would have the money to make something like THIS way out in the middle of nowhere?" I mean you just sit there in your car dumbfounded.

And then I saw my sweet aunt come outside of her three story house and wave to us to pull on up. As we got out of the van the most tantalizing smells of dinner came from the kitchen. I was immediately overtaken with the beauty and art of where I was. It seemed the whole place fit and worked together as a complete whole. Flowers loomed everywhere and everything inside was immaculate in color and cleanliness. About two hours later I realized this wasn't her house. This was the guest house! I about freaked out. What I mean is the bottom floor is really the guest quarters. The counter tops are granite...in the guest house. There are two bedrooms, a pretty little pink and blue parlor, a dining area for 12, a screened in patio that you could live in for years, and a living room with golf clubs and a piano...in the guest house. We settled in and found our rooms. We actually got the guest "house" all to ourselves. It was nice. Kind of like a really wonderful apartment, only it outfitted like a house. They keep many of their favorite things there. I would venture to guess it was almost the size of our house.

I couldn't keep my eyes off the gardens. Flowers loomed and flowed from every corner of the eye. There were two vegetable gardens full of large boxed gardens made with rows and rows of vegetables. Unique fences and gates surrounded these gardens and gave such an appealing texture. Surrounding these vegetable gardens were paths of all kinds of flowers. I wanted to run outside and soak it all in. But I had to be polite and say hi to everyone. And then I had to help with dinner. The kids were immediately excited about swimming. There's a covered pool house. The pool is as large as the one for our neighborhood. It has two guest bedrooms, a full bath, a full kitchen, tons of cushy patio furniture, and a table that seats 20. It is surrounded by beds and beds and beds of hydrangeas. Gorgeous hydrangeas in all colors!

And as far as the eye can see there is st. augustine grass that they have planted themselves, or at least hired someone to plant. It is all irrigated with a sprinkler system that uses treated and recycled waste water. They have a green house with four different rooms that is larger than our first apartment! Under the greenhouse shed they helped our kids make stepping stones for one of the pathways. They truly love kids and I think wish they had kids of their own. Right outside the house there is a patio with beautiful teak furniture and this large fireplace. There is nothing else to call it. It is made of a pink, peachy colored brick and on the mantle sits a little cupid. Just imagine english gardens and you will get the picture. And there along these pathways that surround this beautiful house are every imaginable flower that can grow in texas. And right now the lilies are blooming in all their glory.

If you were to walk right outside the screened in patio you would walk up to a fountain. The fountain is cement and it is about seven feet wide and five feet tall. You walk down a path from there and come upon a water garden enclosed with a large iron gate. When you enter your eye is immediately drawn to this little horse statue that they bought in nyc. The color of the bronze horse blends well with the plumbagos blooming everywhere. She planted in a secession of color on the outside of the garden. Shades of red turn to oranges and then yellows and then blues and then violets. All the way around. In the very middle is the goldfish pond. When you exit this garden you walk down the path of logic and reasoning. About 24 brick columns take you down a paved walkway to a gazebo. Wisteria grows wildly all the way down this path. The wisteria is growing on wooden slats overhead. The gazebo has 8 walls each 9 feet wide. Inside is nicer furniture than I'll ever have in my living room. It is all screened in to keep the skeeters out. Beyond this point is a tree house. Literally. And arbors. I cannot begin to tell you how many arbors there are. Do you know how long I have wanted a small little arbor for my backyard? And they have...many. I was just flabbergasted. I cannot say that you envy what they have. It is all too much to ever imagine obtaining. You just appreciate and feel inspired. You just stand there in disbelief with breath taken away. It is too much to believe really that a place this wonderful could exist. That a place this exquisite could have been created by two people... That they would share it when they feel it such a private part of who they are... It is really amazing.

And then, in the midst of these exquisite gardens, you feel anything must be possible.

I'm HEEEERE!!!

Well, my back and neck are slowly getting better. Actually my back feels great and my neck has intermittent pain. That's good! I think it's all just from lying around forever. But I'm getting there!

Getting ready for Shakespeare. I'm working on a backdrop for part of the play. Let's hope I get it done. costumes are sewn and ready for some acting. Elizabeth is absolutely fabulous in her role. I hope she doesn't freeze up because I think the whole thing is going to be amazing.

what else? I'm enjoying the day AT HOME. Doing some laundry, procrastinating on painting. Packing to go see my aunt. We've never been to my aunt's home, and we've all talked about it for years. And now we finally get to go. She has an indoor heated pool with this awesome energy efficient tubing that uses the sun to heat the pool. She has gardens galor with people that actually come to take care of it for her. She has umpteen number of bedrooms. I can only imagine what it's like, so I'll have to describe it better after we get back.

And saddest of all, we lost our camera! Can you believe that? No one knows where it is. It's just disappeared in thin air. Please pray that we will find it or that some honest person would turn it in. i don't want to think about all the pictures we're missing!

That's all for now!

Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore Art Thou Romeo?

I just finished a Renaissance costume for E. It took my mom and I 22 hours to finish it. My mom put in a good 7 of those hours. Thank you, Mom! 7 of the hours were spent just cutting out the pattern! No kidding. It was 16 yards of fabric, and if anyone is familiar with sewing you know that is a heap load of fabric for one dress. I will post pictures as soon as I can. Elizabeth is playing Portia in a neighborhood play of the "Merchant of Venice". I am so excited for her. She has memorized tons and tons of lines. If anyone wants to come and see the play it is at the end of the month. I can email you a place and time if you're interested. Rebecca's in it, too, as a servant/singer. The best part is that the whole dress only cost me $27 with tax. The fabric store had fabric on sale for $1 a yard and I grabbed some. Now! I am off to my castle!

New Exercise

Okay, I hurt my back. I did a crazy 20 year old exercise class and can now barely lift the baby. I'm kind of silly. So now instead of doing my step class I'll be going to see a physical therapist twice a week. Fun.

Gymnastics

We went through a difficult time two weeks ago when we thought we might need to pull Rebecca out of her gymnastics classes. We prayed about it and Rebecca felt she wanted to look into other gyms. So we did. We went on Tuesday night and observed girls at a much higher level than she. I was sitting in the balcony watching and chatting with a friend about the gym. After the class the coach had Rebecca try out to see what level they would place her at. I found out from talking to my friend that the gym was fun and not so big on form. They move their girls up levels very quickly. As a result Rebecca's form was far better than any gymnast in that room. Not surprisingly they recommended she move up a level.

When Rebecca stepped on the floor everyone stopped what they were doing to look at her. My friend commented, "She's good!". I wondered at this since all she had done was a salute. At this gym they don't do a salute before beginning. Her presence commanded attention from everyone on the floor. I watched in awe as she performed her routine. It was not perfect by far. The coach even showed her a few things. But the difference between her and the girls in the class was light years. And that is not an exaggeration. You could tell she was serious. She did not smile but her body looped and straightened the way a gymnasts body should and you could tell she was happy by what she was doing. Those other gymnasts looked like overcooked spaghetti. At that moment I knew I couldn't and shouldn't send her there or anywhere else. Doing so would mean giving in and giving up for Rebecca. She would digress. I realized how much her coaches have invested in her and how hard they have worked to make her as good as she is. It would be like sending an Olympic gymnast back to a beginners class (not that Rebecca is at that level but I am talking about the level at which they work). I said nothing to her as we left. But on the way to the car she said, "Mommy, Coach Andrew says bad gymnastics hurts his eyes. Now I know what he means." Later she told me that she could see that the reason they say all the things to her that they do is to motivate her to do better. So, I think something clicked inside for her.

So, we called the head coach and asked to meet with her. She gladly met with us and we had a wonderful talk about how Rebecca is doing and where she is struggling. We brought up the things that we were concerned about, and she set our mind at ease and explained things better to us. I was so glad we did that! So, thank you so much for praying! I think we all learned a valuable lesson. I for one realized that we are involved in a program that is turning out true blue athletes. We did not realize we were signing up for that and that is why it has been a difficult transition for us. We just started going there because we loved the head coach so much. And I think we also learned that if you want to be really good at something you have to make a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot. But at that moment in the other gym I was so proud of her and realized we had made the right decision. All those times of tears and heartache have been worth it for her to be what she is today.

As confirmation the Lord put a sinking feeling in my stomach that I could not shake. I stood at the desk and they asked me if I wanted to sign her up. Two years prior I had tried to sign her up at that same gym but had the same feeling in my stomach. I ignored it. I couldn't find my debit card. I came back the next day and signed her up. We walked in the door at home and there was a flyer in the mail for the gym she is at now. Her favorite coach's picture was right on the front and she got so excited. Thankfully the gym gave us our money back. So, when I had that same feeling again this time I listened and told them I'd have to talk to my husband. The funny thing about is that it all seems just perfect. The owners are Christians, they homeschool, it is a fun place to be. But as I said I knew we weren't supposed to be there. So, we are putting our nose to the grindstone and continuing on. Rebecca realized on her own that she either needed to quit completely or continue at her gym. She could see that going to any other gym would mean giving up. I was amazed at this.

Burn, Baby Burn!

Last Friday we shelled out $184 for a membership and youth basketball at the YMCA. Sunday I hit Target to find workout attire. This morning I rushed around at breakfast, dropped the kids off, and waited in line for the step aerobics class. Standing in the hallway I contemplated bolting. No one would know. But, no, I really wanted to do this. I knew walking through that door would be the moment of turning a page in my life. I told myself I could do ten minutes and leave.

Well, I am proud to say that I did more than ten minutes. I made it to thirty. Somewhere about fifteen minutes into the whole thing I muttered, "This lady is crazy." She came over to tell me to watch the person in front of me. "I'm trying," I smiled back. At times I just had to march in place because my knees were melting and I could feel my thighs screaming loud protests. There were certain combinations I deleted all together. But by-golly I was in there! There was one man and 30 women. I wondered whatever possessed him to want to be surrounded by a large group of overweight women. I glanced around and noticed the kids elderly babysitter trying to figure out how in the world to do this. She made me smile. I then spied my long time friend from college rocking and rolling. She made me envious. But it felt so good to be in there with all those people. Adrenaline was pumping and people were excited. I bet the lady behind me wished she'd picked a different spot. But everyone was so nice and talked to me, helping me figure out how to set up and get situated.

But then about 29 minutes into the whole thing I realized I was going to vomit or collapse. I really didn't want the pregnant lady next to me to have to pick me up or clean up my throw-up. I looked around frantically for a clock, sure it would say an hour had passed and we were about to cool down. Thirty minutes?!? Is that all? I knew I couldn't keep going so I left. I held my head high, picked up my keys, and headed for the water fountain. I paced the halls until my stomach calmed down. I have NEVER worked out until I felt like I was going to vomit. This whole out of shape thing is a new experience. I hope I never have to get to this place again. But, when I went to pick up my cute little rolly polly baby I was so delighted to be exactly where I am. I felt I was in good company. All these cute pudgy moms were dropping off their babies and little kids and for the first time in a long while I felt I belonged somewhere.

So Wednesday we'll hit the gym again and Burn, Baby Burn!

Answered Prayer

Thank you all for your prayers and comments. I really appreciate you being willing to give me advice. I know that can be just as humbling as asking for help.


So...here is what happened. I prayed a lot! I kept feeling I should let them know I felt lonely and would appreciate them spending time with me when time allowed. Anyway, I was pretty emotional as you may have gathered and just down right hurt. I know how much our minds can play tricks on us, and mine was rolling with all kinds of hurtful thoughts. "They've forgotten about you", "don't need you", etc, etc. I met with my prayer partners to pray on Monday night and brought it up to them. One of them said, "You can't expect the other person to know what you need. You have to tell them." I felt like the Holy Spirit was gently urging me to do this even though I didn't want to. I realized I have never felt more loved than when my friends say, "It would really mean a lot to me if you could ......, but I completely understand if you can't." I knew it would at least make me feel better to say that I had needs. I figured at that point if they didn't do anything or respond in any kind of way then I would need to pull out the "What have I done to offend you" card.

So...from all of your comments and prayer these were the factors leading me to my decision:
1)These have been my friends for 14, 7 and 6 years. I just couldn't toss those in the trash. I knew it was worth working on because we have been together through thick and thin.
2) I felt extremely hurt. I knew this was an indication that I needed to get this out and talk about it, not just ignore it. Doing so would completely ruin the friendship.
3) I knew if my friends had needs that I could meet I would want them to send me an email letting me know. If they didn't tell me and remained angry and hurt I would be upset with them.


Well, I can tell you at first it went from bad to worse. But I can give no one credit for this but the enemy of our souls. I met one of the friends somewhere, and she got there just as we were leaving. I left in a puddle of tears, but that was the straw that broke the camels back. After that I knew I couldn't go on living like this. I had to do something. Of course I had been praying this whole time and had my prayer team praying with me. I knew God would direct me.


So I did it. I composed a prayerfully concise and to the point email. I opened my heart bare and let them know how much I loved and appreciated them supporting me in different ways while I was pregnant and on bed rest. I then told them that I knew they were really busy but that I missed them dearly and needed them to call me, invite me over, do things with me, drop by my house, etc whenever it was possible. I also told them I was leaving for the day but I would really appreciate a phone call from them. I was so proud of myself yet I was under the chair! I was afraid they would never speak to me again! But....as Sarah said I thought the best of my friends as I would want them to do for me.


By 9 that morning one of them called me. All I could do was cry. The other one called me that afternoon, and the third contacted me shortly later. One friend said she thought I wanted space and she just felt HORRIBLE that she hadn't been asking me to do things. So she shot out a list of things we could do together and actually went on a walk with me that day. The other friend has called many times and even come over to talk about gardening and stuff that we used to talk about together. I was just so giddy with excitement! I felt so loved that they would immediately reach out to me. She apologized for calling so much, but inside I was shouting, "This is what I missed!" I am a people person and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE people!!!


So I learned from the whole thing that I need to speak up sooner. While hormones and other factors may be affecting how I feel, I still have needs and need to let others know. I cannot believe I allowed myself to feel that way for three whole months. Now I feel completely ridiculous for not doing it sooner. However, I am so thankful that God allowed me to go through this so that I can always remember to not assume the worst and to let people know I have needs. While this is humbling this is what true friendship is about. My friends made sure to let me know that. Thank you all for your prayers and support during my roller coaster of emotions.

What Do I Do?

I definitely have a problem, and I need some advice. I have given it some time. I have prayed. I have asked others to pray, and I am praying some more. And I will pray yet again. I have some friends that I really feel are ignoring me! They have made new friendships and moved on with their lives. I see them buying special gifts for these others friends and the sentiments are exchanged with nice gifts for them. But I can hardly get a moment on the phone with them. They are always making plans with these new friends that they used to make with me. Things they used to call and tell me they are now calling these other friends about first and I get the, "Oh, by the way" at the park when it's about some life changing event in their life. Geez! I feel like I'm in junior high! This same thing happened to me in elementary school. I had a really good friend, a best friend as we used to call it then. I was sick for two weeks with something and came back. Well! She was then best friends with someone else. Never spoke to me again.

I feel so much the same way. And it hurts! Every time I talk to her I try to make things the way they used to be, but I hurt so much I can barely speak! Help! What do I do? I already emailed one of them to tell them I felt lonely and all I got was, "It's just your hormones." What do I say to her? How do I handle this? I want to buy her something nice because I think that is how she feels loved, but I just don't know what. And by doing so am I just trying to buy her friendship? Am I manipulating her, or am I doing it because I love and care for her?

Cast your votes please. How do I talk to these friends?

Abigail

Eyes a puddle of blue

Skin as fair as cream

A smile that warms your toes

Coos so lovely and sweet!

I am amazed

at how much I love thee,

sweet girl.

You give me such delight.

May we forever

play in the sunshine

and cuddle late at night.

Semblance of Normality

It's 9:40am, and I'm still in my pajamas. PAJAMAS. I LOVE that word. Sometimes we change it around with the kids and call it JAPAMAS. It's just a fun word.

Anyway, I'm still in my pajamas. No semblance of order has crept into my days yet. Some weeks we are orderly and having a quiet time at 8am. Other mornings are like this. I won't tell you that I feel overwhelmed because you all already know it is Wednesday and I am overwhelmed. Oh wait, I think I just told you.

I have doled out reading assignments and looked at the writing assignment. Yes, I have actually LOOKED at the writing assignment my children were supposed to have done months ago. But now, today, it will happen. Actually I'm hoping to get more than one day today. They are almost done with math for the whole year. R has about 7 lessons left. But then we will begin again. Not because I am a die-hard but because she did a 4th grade math program this year. And we're into a rhythm that I don't like to disrupt.

You may be asking what's the point to this post? Well, I had something on my mind but haven't gotten to it yet. So here goes.

Something happened to me at the LBJ Ranch. Something jogged inside of me. I remembered how much I love the outdoors, how much I love the country and old things. Yes, I love pigs and goats and sheep and cows. Horses are pretty, but I don't know much about them. I love old barns and hay hooks and old houses. In fact I lost myself in one of the old houses. My friends poor husband had to wait on us and chase around 8 kids while I lost myself in that house. I'm truly sorry, Nick, I didn't mean to. For some reason I feel I was meant to tend cows and throw hay. I don't really think I could do it, at least not in the physical state I'm in. But it seems the desire runs through my blood. Almost a compelling. Micah says I was born in the wrong century. I wanted to know how they did everything. How did they make flour? Butter? Cheese? Dye eggs? How did they make a dime? And how did they never tire of these tasks?

First the scent of old, musty crisp things gets me. Then the breeze coming in from the screen doors. And then the sweet little ladies dressed in old time clothes. And then before I know it I'm researching the historical connection of every scrap of dusty furniture in that place. And the people. My mind reels with the thought of the wonderful people that lived in that house. I think of them washing clothes out in the hot sunshine and hanging it on the line. Or traipsing through the garden to see what needs tending and what won't make it that year. And then the ultimate cherry on top. I think of my Granny. I think of how she lived, and I miss her. I think of how her mother must have lived and her mother. I wonder at how happy they all were. How all 12 of them came back every fourth of July. And I wonder why that tradition didn't carry on to my family. What happened to my family? Disconnected. Disjointed. Different. We are all so different. And hardly a tradition for the whole family. It wasn't until I met Micah's family that I realized a family could be so much fun. But I know from Granny's stories that her family was fun. Something must happened along the way. Maybe because she was so much younger and all of those before her passed on. Maybe that was too hard for her. Or, maybe she lived so far away from everyone that they stopped getting together. I know Uncle Tommy came over all the time, but he passed on when I was about 5. He was the last of that time for her.

And then a friend's grandmother died this week. She shared some of the wonderful things her grandmother taught her. And I couldn't help but get all caught up again. If someone were to give me a little yellow house on a farm I would just be too happy.

Collecting Thoughts

My computer won't let me comment on Alisa's blog for some reason. So I just decided to respond here. It will give me an opportunity to collect some of my thoughts. I really appreciate what she has to say! I am flabbergasted (but in a way not really) at the similarities of what we are feeling. It is comforting to know that others are going through the same things.

I, too, have had the same thoughts. That God is moving me through a different season for a purpose. I love her analogy of opening my hand to allow others in. This is what I sense God saying. There are friendships I often would not pick for myself, but when the friendship has developed I am so thankful and astonished at my love for them.

Just now a friend called in distress. My heart breaks for her. She is worried about losing another baby. I wish I could do more. I would drive over and take care of all her kids for her. God, may you comfort and quiet her with your love. Help her to rest right now not only physically but also in your presence and peace. Keep this baby safe and don't let anything happen to it that is not your will. Watch over my friend and give her wisdom and peace.

I realized this morning when another friend called exactly where the pain was coming from. I miss her. But I must let go and not hold on so tight. She needs to be allowed to have new friendships. I need to allow myself to develop new ones. It's just a scary place to be. But I was thinking about it a lot this weekend out at the LBJ Ranch. Being outside in nature gives me such clarity of thought. It's scary because you don't know if you will be loved as much. Will this other friend still treasure me? Will I still treasure her? Will the new friends work out? Will this happen again? Most likely. And maybe it's as it should be. Micah and I have always said, "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver the other gold." It's just the accepting of this that is hard for me. I know fresh blood is good. It keeps things renewed even among old friends, keeps you from getting in a rut and makes you appreciate who you have. I guess I didn't even realize how tightly I was holding on! Ouch. That hurts, God. And I guess I can choose to loosen my grasp and allow Him to make the change, or I can wait for Him to rip them out of my white knuckle grasp.

This is an area I appreciate in Julie so much. It seems to me she loves life, no matter what comes her way. Everyone is welcome. Life ebbs and flows. People change. Friends come in and out. But she always treasures and loves those that have been in her life. There is always joy in her life no matter who or what is going on. I asked Micah about it and he said he thinks that is one reason he is so easy going. There were always people at the house, playing games, and eating dinner. Friends.

And yet I was touched so deeply at church yesterday. "You're all I need." And as I raised my hands to heaven I just knew that in the deepest part of me that is true. I am His and He is mine.

Good Post

See Sally Clarkson's blog on "It's Not Fair". Perfect reading for me today. Many times I am the one hurting others, forgetting about them...going on with my life. I must choose to forgive others and I must remember myself to be more sensitive and loving as Jesus.

Lizard on the Loose

Blaine's pet lizard escaped. When Micah discovered it Blaine responded with, "Yeah, he's been gone for a few days." What?!? Thankfully we know a God who cares about pet lizards. We prayed and found poor Jake in the closet. Thankfully his fate was spared from the cat. He has been carefully restored to his home and well secured.

She Laughed!

She was falling asleep in my arms. We knew she was close. And then with Rebecca standing over my shoulder she let out her first giggle. Girls are so cute.

Easter Weekend

Abbie's 1st Easter.

One of my roses.

1st time in highchair!

LBJ Ranch

We joined friends at the Ranch for full day of fun.

Look, the Easter bunny put eggs in the garden.

German tradition to make a lamb cake!

My Easter Dress!

Blaine pets a horse at LBJ Ranch!

A Happy Post

My little girl is making coos and goo's like crazy. She loves, loves, loves her daddy and her brother and her sisters. Tonight she cood so loud she scared herself! She's going to be a talker. She smiled at a stranger the other day and talked her head off to her. Everyone just loves her in the stores and has to have a talk with her. What a gift!

Daddy got on the floor and started crawling towards her. He wasn't halfway to her when she let out a big sideways grin showing her approval and anticipation. Loves that Daddy!

A Year Gone By

It's official. It's not just hormones. People have gone on with their lives. And why shouldn't they? I've been out of it for a year now. I noticed a piece of paper from a calendar I stuck up on the wall. It seemed like just a few months had passed since doing so. I was suspicious, so I flipped it up to see the date, "April 1" stamped on the back. When I went to visit my mom she pointed out I hadn't been there in a YEAR. What??!??! Apparently when you are old and have a baby a year slips by along with so many other things.

I can't really blame everyone. I've been out of it. I didn't feel good for most of last year. I think there were officially five months of pure goodness. Four of those were the first four months of the year and that was bogged down with co-op. The other month was sometime in September. You just can't maintain friendships on that. And I suppose I have no one to blame but myself. I could have picked up the phone and called someone. I could have.

The truth is I'm trying to make it sound all "official" and matter-of-fact when the reality of it all is that it just plain hurts. I have cried myself to sleep only to wake up and begin crying again. And I look at A and think, "This is the sacrifice I have made for your life, for your birth, and it has been worth it." Oh wow, that hurts. But it is true.

I have to put in a disclaimer here that I have a true and constant friend who has been here for me through thick and thin for many, many years. She calls me when I don't want to talk to anybody and makes me realize I really did want to talk after all. She listens when no one else will. She has forgiven me when I've hurt her. She invites me to do things with her. We've cried together. We've laughed together. And it's always been that way with her. And I am SOOOO thankful for her. And many people have said that if you have one true friend in your life you are very rich. Well, I am wealthy indeed.

But then I just had this awful thought. That relationship was easy to maintain because it is used to distance. Most of our relationship happens over the phone because of where we live. These others have been close in proximity to where I live (just down the block). They have been strained because we are used to spending time together in little snippets of life. And since that just couldn't happen this whole past year, they have significantly faded. And life is all about changes as we know. I just pray some day I am not mourning the loss of this friendship, too. What if there is a day when she can no longer pick up the phone because she is overwhelmed with some life circumstance? Lord, may it never be. May I love her the same no matter what time or life brings our way.

And even those who have gone on with their lives are true friends. It's just that our relationship has taken a turn and looks very different than it did a year ago. I am learning to accept that and love them where they're at. I must accept that they have new friends that have taken my place. I guess I'm jealous, really. Jealous that the things we used to do together they now do with someone else. Pretty ugly, huh?

So I think the main crux of the pain comes from seeing their lives in motion and mine completely at a stand still. It is as if I'm holding a snow globe and watching a scene from an old time Christmas pageant. Everyone is happy, delighted, making plans, talking about the things they are going to be doing together. And I'm just watching. I sound like such a complainer, right? And I'm sure if God could give me a talking to it would be similar to what Job heard at the end just before God restored everything to him. I keep shaking the ball, hoping I'll see something else but it just doesn't change.

When I look back over the year and wonder what went wrong I realize a few things. One, I just couldn't be there for my friends. I couldn't attend park days because I was sick or needing to sleep or be on bed rest. I would send the kids and sleep the afternoon away. Eventually I just wasn't missed anymore. When I came off of bed rest and had A all I wanted to do was go shopping. It had been so long. I really missed it and I wasn't quite sure I could manage it. It had been four months of no shopping of any kind! I should have invited others along. But I already felt at that point that no one needed me and I'd only be a nuisance to make them tag along. I'd do that differently if I could. Maybe I gave them the impression I didn't want to be with them.

I don't know. Maybe it couldn't have been any different. I remember last year sitting by the pool, trying to talk to everyone. But I felt sick to my stomach from "morning" sickness and my entire being was completely overwhelmed by the thought of a new baby in our life. It would be equivalent to trying to maintain a meaningful conversation while having a stomach virus for four months. It just didn't happen. So the second thing I have learned is to look for people on the fringes and reach out. If there is someone who is pregnant or just had a baby I hope I am more sensitive now and more willing to befriend them.

Maybe I'm just overreacting? Maybe all this will sort itself out in a few months and they will all realize I'm still alive and make room for me again. I don't know. But until then I feel I am being swallowed alive and I must do something about it. I have a few friends that I'd like to invest in, get to know better, put the fishing line out if you will. And then there's the lady I met at Barnes and Noble. She was friendly and outgoing. She said she wanted to get together with me. That could work.

Maybe God is moving me through a different season. Well, I guess that's obvious! Maybe it's a time to invest in new relationships, forging new bridges. Of course, my hope is that I will at least remain in some sort of contact with those that have been such dear friends around here. But maybe these new friendships will be opportunities I would have missed otherwise if all this wouldn't have happened.

But for now...it's April and it hurts.