We lost a dear friend last week. He used to be our next door neighbor. He was only 41. He was dear because he loved everybody. How do you come to grips with that? He knew the Lord. That is our comfort. But it has brought many questions to my mind. A week ago tonight I couldn't sleep either.
one. Is this it? i mean. I have a 13 year old, and I thought maybe we'd have deeper conversations by now. But sometimes I just feel like we're going through the motions. Like we're all just existing in this house with not much going on. Is this normal? Do most households feel this way at one point or another? I pictured us as a lively bunch. With lots of fun imaginable things going on here. Not happening. I kind of think we used to do more fun things when they were little. Now it's all about cleaning and taking everyone somewhere. I don't like it.
two. I still haven't painted my house. That's sounds silly to think about when someone dies. But really that's what I'm thinking about. So it must be important. I want to feel warm and cozy in my house, not like it's some empty shell.
three. R will be gone three nights a week starting next week, and I am saddened to the point that I can't hold back the tears. I don't think we'll be keepin' on with gymnastics for much longer. I know she wanted to go to the olympics, but I think we all know that is probably not very likely. I want my family to be home together every night possible! I want things to go back to the way they used to be before they all grow up and leave the house. Do you ever wish you could grab those days back? Those young days when you ate what you could scrape together. Christmases gone by. Happy days with friends. I miss all of that to the point that I taste bitterness in my mouth. I want us to be together! I might make it to October, and then I don't think I can do this anymore. And how do you come to grips with your kids growing up and leaving? I see now why some parents hang to their kids to the point of making them dependent until they're like 40 or something. They just want things to stay the same.
four. I want to be with friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and won't ever go away. I know. i can't control that and neither can they. But I don't like this arrangement that people can leave whenever. This is not our home. This is not our home. Our home is in Heaven. God is my Father, and I belong with Him forever.
five. I miss years ago when we knew we'd have park day every Thursday. Now the heat keeps it all away. And for some reason, then I didn't care if we didn't meet. What did I do with myself? I guess I went shopping. Bah! That takes money. Pooh. I wish I could just plop at someones house until I felt better.
six. I love God, and I am amazed at His workmanship. I love my family and my friends. I love my home, even though it feels a little empty right now. I love my little baby and pray God's peace on her. I pray God's peace on my friends, too, right now.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Sadness and Questions
Posted by tpot at 10:14 PM
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2 comments:
I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds like he was a wonderful man/officer. Is anyone doing anything for the family?
When my kids were about 13, I started feeling the same way. I wanted to grab hold of them, wrap them tight, and stuff them into a time warp. I almost hated seeing them do, yet, another thing that would take them one step closer to leaving.
I, too, wanted to have deep conversations. Yet, their vocabulary, with me, seemed to shrink daily. We kind of existed together a lot of time.
But, there is hope! Amber and I talk almost daily, now. Needless to say, I love, love, love it. Finally, I get to hear about her day, her joys, and frustrations. I can't tell you how much I enjoy it.
So, hang in there. Enjoy the little things. As I get older, I am beginning to feel like it really is all about the little things. Why else would God give us these little joys, little beauties, and little sparkles in out lives, if we aren't supposed to take notice and give thanks for them?
Oh my Gosh! I did it again! Rambling seems to be my curse. I'll slow--ly.... Back...........out.....
of........this........comment.
I do so understand how you are feeling. I get so sad and down each time one of you family members is here for a visit and then when you leave--I just hurt, just feel so sad. I know it is all as it should be, and I am thankful for the time together, and I want you to be with your own families--don't want to smother you with mommy love, but I just want everyone to be all together again.
I noticed though how several of us expressed this after the family reunion--that we just were not ready for it to end (even tho we had an extra day this year). I felt so sad and depressed driving home that day. I guess these are all good feelings, and normal...it just means we each love our kids and each other and how important family is. I think it is good we have these times to feel this way so we do make each day count. I love you and can't wait to be with most of family for Adam's party.
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