Mexia

We just got back from the wonderful town of Mexia. It was so absolutely wonderful to be around FAMILY. I just loved it! I hope everyone loves us as much as we love them. I mean I hope we didn't get on everyone's NERVES too much. I know I can be grumpy and indecisive and just down right stupid at times. But it was great to be around PEOPLE. I had a blast!

And Tammie's Amazing Race was fabulous!!!!!!! We are all sore over here and nursing our wounds. But it was well worth it. I hope everyone else is well. My feet hurt mostly because I was dumb and didn't bring good running shoes and wore my crocs instead.

Now it's to the laundry we go! I've already got a few loads of sheets washed, but I think we'll be working on this all day.

Thanks, family, for making it such an amazing trip. We really enjoyed seeing all of you. And thanks, Mom and Tammie, for all you did to plan it and make it a success!!!

Julie & Julia

I just watched Julie & Julia tonight. Did anyone else tune in? I know I should be in bed. We're supposed to make posters in the morning for a car wash. But I just had to finish it. That movie just makes me smile for some reason. And when I last watched it I think I was pregnant. I couldn't do anything. I remember my sweet husband asking me if I wanted her cookbook. I'm pretty sure I gave him a look that would have melted all the butter used in that movie. But now....well, I'm at least considering it. A friend brought me her beef Bourguignon as prepared by Julia. It was marvelous and she even forgot one of the main ingredients!

At any rate I just find her life and person fascinating. My aunt commented that some book written either by her or another author was even better than the story in the movie. I'll have to ask her again.
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/recipe?id=8222804 for that marvelous recipe!

Squeaky Wheels

Had a dream that has kept me up. Thankfully I went to bed at 8:45, so I am well rested. Can you imagine going to bed that early? I vaguely remember the children coming to tell me goodnight.

Don't you hate dreams that keep you up? You wish you could change the end or write the rest of it so you could GO TO SLEEP!

My mom came to visit. It was so refreshing to see her. We went to lots of places, which we hardly ever do. We went to the mall, the spicy pickle, to a play, and mardel's. Have you been to the spicy pickle? It's marvelous! Probably not good for the waistline I'm trying to shrink, but it's GOOD! Everyone must try. I love the Italian sandwich.

I took her to a play my friend wrote about bunko. It is hilarious, and if you live in this area it is still showing on Sunday I think around noon. It's bunko, ghosts, and margaritas. I've seen it three times now, and I just love it.
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Did I mention Abby has officially said "mama"? She says it all the time when she's sad. Soooo cute! Nothing like that to melt mama's heart! She sits up a little by herself, too. Sooooo sweet. That girl just smiles and chubs. So much chubbiness. Oh my! This weekend we couldn't even get a 12 mo. outfit on her, and she's 6 mo. old! I think it was the way it was made, but still!
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I've been exercising a lot every day. I think that is why I'm so tired. I took an hour and a half nap yesterday, too. And still went to bed so early.
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Watched Blaine play basketball yesterday. He is so incredibly cute. Every time he made a shot he'd look over to me. I tried to hoot, clap, and smile like a fool. Boys have such a conquering instinct don't they? Got to have our attention and our encouragement. Lord, help us! I think he made 7 shots. Can you believe that? Once a boy let go of the ball and instantaneously he whizzed around and grabbed it. Suddenly he had the ball. It all happened in a flash. They're not allowed to "steal", but he said the boy let go of it and he grabbed it. He must have an eye like superman because the whole thing happened in the blink of an eye. I know I'm biased, but I think he could really end up being good at this. Elizabeth and I sat on the wrong side of the court and in the background I kept hearing other parents say, "number 9....". That's my boy's number! No one on the other team that I could see had that number. He's just so precious. Half the time he looked like a monkey, out there running around like crazy trying to get the ball from someone. And you know what they say, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease."
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This is for Aunt Jenny. Now don't freak out. Elizabeth and I were talking about letter writing. She wrote a letter to a friend and the whole thing was ONE PARAGRAPH! I about freaked myself. But I calmly tried to point out her spelling errors and SMILE. And then she brought it up. Whew. I was trying to tread carefully, you understand.

She said, "I just change thoughts so quickly. It's kind of weird."

"Yes, that is why people use paragraphs," I said calmly to her.

Later on in the day she was reading and she says so matter-of-fact, "Oh, you're right mom. They change paragraphs when they change thoughts."

She WILL be taking a writing class this year I might add. What the heck have we been talking about for the past three years? At least I was able to make my point to her without her feeling hit over the head.

Misfits

Well, I'm here again. I'm neither her nor there. Isn't there a candy bar like that? I think so. But then I KNOW God sees me. He knows my every thought. He knows when I lie down and when I get up. Before a word is on my tongue, he KNOWS it. He thinks of me more throughout the day than the sands upon the sea. Right now the sand is filled with tar, but He thinks of me the same.

What has happened since I last blogged is that I am feeling it all over again. It has been a little here and a little there. And then this week it all came rushing in like a flood. My hormones have not changed drastically, though I am SURE they are constantly changing in many ways we do not even understand. But I now see a pattern. And I think I have pinpointed the cause of my sadness. And I have validated that I do need friendship. I still don't have solutions, but I have answers. The problem: there are certain people that drain me. I love their friendship, but when I am around them I just feel jealous. I am jealous of the close friendships they are sharing with those around them. And I feel I am competing for their friendship. That is so tiring! I know I sound like I'm 11, and I would possibly agree with you on this point. At any rate, I have finally faced the reality that I am just plain jealous and need to repent. So, I am doing that.

It is obviously not God's plan for me to have this super close relationship with these ladies that I desire. And I need to be okay with that. I'm getting there but not yet. I do still want to be their friends, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I think it goes something like this: I see them on occasion and do things with them, but God is filling me up in so many other areas that I do not NEED to have their friendship to the extent that I used to.

Here's my point: God really blessed me this weekend with a day full of fun. I was able to spend some time with three really sweet ladies whom I adore and their mother. One lives out of town, so I don't see her much. We saw a play and had some lunch. My cup came home overflowing with gratitude and happiness. This is what made me realize I'm missing the boat somehow. I realized I am not depressed, because I actually felt very happy and still do. The problem is that I am spending time with people who I feel drained by instead of people who make me feel loved and filled up. I don't know exactly how to change that or make it different, but when I pray I sense God saying, "I'm doing something.". So, on one hand I feel I need to wait and SEE what He is doing.

On the other hand I feel God saying I am to DO something. Figuring out which activity falls into which category is a little tricky. I was inspired by my friend who moved away and experienced much of what I am feeling now. She started a bunko group (I love mine and don't need to trade that in), a play group and joined a Sunday school class of people in the same stage of life. I really feel God has something for me to DO. I just don't know where or how or when. I have tried connecting at church. I have been told, "I don't have time to be your friend." (!) and "You can't be in mops because you homeschool your kids." (!) Which I don't really know if the latter is true. However, I find the insensitivities of others very confounding. When both of those statements were doled out I had prefaced them with, "I'm feeling very alone right now and looking for relationships." Their responses are enough to make someone want to jump off a bridge. What are we saying to each other, ladies? What has God's bride become? What are we like as Christians? Are our words reflecting our beliefs? Better yet are our ACTIONS reflecting God's Word? Not always. I want to start something. I want to show people that God loves the broken hearted, the misfits, the in-betweens, the nothings in life. I know because He loves ME.

And then I'll never forget the sweet little red head at church. I don't really know her, but she makes you feel like you do. When I told her I felt alone she gave me words of comfort and tried to think of places I could plug in. Even today when I feel all alone her love brings comfort and consoles me. These were truly the words of Jesus, the healing balm from His understanding heart to mine!

My dilemma (and if you're tired of hearing about it, just click on to someone else's blog because I need to talk about it. My blog is the only place I can safely do so):
I don't know anyone with a baby. It's true. The closest friend with a baby is 45 minutes away. But then while it seems important to know some people with babies it seems even more important to have friends I can be real with, no matter their life stage. I think a mix of both would be good, and it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen at church! They are all into themselves and what baby toy is the coolest and what brand of clothes they are putting on their babies. Bleck! I could care less. I buy whatever is at Kid to Kid. And see there, I sense God pointing me to certain people who are the same way but I've never spent much time with.

When I gather with my beloved "close" friends it seems they have made close ties with new people and I just feel jealous. It's sad, but it's true. And I wonder how many other women have felt the way I do. I'm suspicious that all have because I think I'm pretty typical. So then I feel guilty for wanting relationship with others. I typically want to run away. I think of getting a job at kohl's just so I have an excuse to not be around them. But God confirmed in my heart today that I NEED to be with other believers. We were hard-wired that way. Some more than others. I'm the more than others type, in case you wondered. Now, I don't want these friends to feel smothered by me or that they cannot have other friends. So, I really just think (round two of this whole thing) that I am not handling this correctly. But no one really never tells you how to handle friendships.

So I am praying. Why do I feel so filled up by the three women I spent time with yesterday? I have known them for a while. But I like that they are REAL with me. And I feel I can be real with them. I can tell them I feel lonely. I don't feel like I'm competing for a relationship with them like some sort of prize. That only makes me feel inadequate, unimportant and unloved.

I think the answer is a three-pronged one. One, I am to continue with the friendships I have. Love them as best I can but don't try to "win" their affection. Think of ways to spend time with them and have fun, but take it all in stride. Second, find some people in the same life stage...somebody my age that I can relate to has to have a baby yet isn't completely wrapped up in name brands. Third, I need some spiritual connection with ladies who are mature believers and can challenge me to live for Christ and be a joy to be around.

So what is God doing? Only He can answer this. And time will tell. In order to meet people in the same life stage am I to pursue a mops group? Am I to join a stroller exercise class? I think I'm supposed to try these and see if anything turns up. But it just seems like many of us are in the "in-betweens" or "no man's land" of life. Yes, we may have teens and could go to the adolescent sunday school class. But then I feel stranded with a baby on my hip and feel some need is still not being met. How does that fit in? I want to start a class called the "Funny Place". It would be for all those people who do not fit the mold of another sunday school class. Maybe they're between jobs, between life stages, or just misfits. Wouldn't that be fun? I think we are all truly misfits, some of us just don't realize it.

Or maybe I'm to start a Bible study with my neighbors. I don't know. In times like these it's important to realize the areas where we do feel we are being fed. I love my bunko group, I love my family, and I love the handful of people God has put in my life. I'm just figuring out what to do with the rest. How do I pick up the pieces and DO something with them all the while trusting God that HE IS doing something, too? I am reminded of that song by Brandon Heath:

"Give me Your eyes for just one second.
Give me Your eyes so I can see.
Everything that I keep missing.
Give me Your love for humanity.
Give me Your arms for the brokenhearted.
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten.
Give me Your eyes so I can see."

Thanks for listening, my little blog world. You are all my friends and I am glad to know you!!!

Well After Three Days...

of no kids, I still haven't finished the house yet. Guess what? It's still a mess. Surprised? I am. Somehow I thought it'd all get done. Every closet organized, every room sparklin' clean. But it just won't happen. And if it won't happen with them gone...well, let's not think about that.

But I did spend lots of time with my precious Abby. We got used to each other while they were away. Found ourselves a little routine, and she has decided she really likes me. Before I couldn't tell. But now I can. And all that's priceless.

Other than that I did finish up my room and my closet (somewhat). I made a meal for a friend. I cried over old photographs and letters in my closet. And I started missing my kids. I'll be glad to have at least two of them back tomorrow and I can't wait to see Blaine on Friday. All chaos will return to normal on Monday. :)

It's More Like Falling in Love...

Have you heard the song by Jason Gray called "More Like Falling in Love"? It's wonderful. Very moving.

You know what's funny? Once you don't blog for a while anything you want to say seems trivial. You all know what I'm talking about.

The kids are gone for three days. I'm having fun. I cleaned my kitchen yesterday and did all the laundry. I also mowed half the yard and went for a walk. I threw away stuff and organized till I was pooped. Today I have played. I took Abby to Kid to Kid and we got a drink at Sonic's Happy Hour. Somehow I always get snookered at resale shops. I take in a pile of stuff, they keep a few things, give me a $6 credit, and I spend $35. How's that helping me? Haven't figured that one out yet. But we now have three pairs of pajamas, a set of soft block, a beautiful brand new dress from Children's Place, a swimsuit, a swimsuit cover-up, oh yeah and two hair bows. That's what I really went there for, the bows. Ah well. Looking through her drawer is like needing to clean out a flower bed. I feel I am constantly weeding out clothes that she can no longer wear. So much of it she only wore a handful of times. Some she never wore. They literally grow like weeds!

But today I found this really cute hat in her drawer that has this ruffly thing on the back and a little strap that goes under her chin. Oh my! She's a cutie!!!

And now she does the cutest thing. When she gets tired she'll grab your face and plant her mouth on your chin, and your nose, and your cheeks. She'll open her mouth and rub her face side to side. The slobber and the cuteness of it all sends me to gigglin' and she just thinks that is hilarious and keeps doing it. It's some kind of delirious state, but I love it!

What else did I do today? I sorted out what I'm going to wear to a wedding in a month and ordered a bathing suit. That was enough to take up a whole day, but I got it all done this morning. Micah thinks I'm nutty, but a girl's got to have a swimsuit and a cover-up. I hate not having a cover-up, and honestly I never have one because I can't find one I like and can afford. Well, I found one at Lands End for $10 with free shipping. Can't beat that. Now I just hope it fits. Same for the bathing suit.

My back is feeling better. I have finished all my doc appts for that. They have given me exercises to continue forever and ever. They strengthen the core. I love doing them because they are easy and I can tell a big difference.

Abby makes me laugh. I love her so much!

Heavenly Gardens

Our weekend was spectacular. We drove down a secluded dirt road. One would never know it would lead to anywhere but a grass farm. There are grass farms everywhere down there, and this was just another one of them. Anyway, you drive and drive and wonder why you are driving down a skinny dirt road only meant for a tractor when suddenly you cross two cattle guards and you enter paradise. It's like entering another world. I felt like I was in a magical place like the Secret Garden or Cair Pavel. If ever I needed a place to hide out, this would be it. It was breathtaking. Unbelievable. My aunt's "ranch" is like better homes and gardens on steroids. They have poured more sweat and toil in this place than imaginable. And, oh yea, money. That's helped immensely. The first thing you see is the barn. There are two murals painted on the sides. They were painted by teenagers, so they are cute but in an eclectic sort of way. But I wondered if I was at the right place. And then I asked myself, "Who else would have the money to make something like THIS way out in the middle of nowhere?" I mean you just sit there in your car dumbfounded.

And then I saw my sweet aunt come outside of her three story house and wave to us to pull on up. As we got out of the van the most tantalizing smells of dinner came from the kitchen. I was immediately overtaken with the beauty and art of where I was. It seemed the whole place fit and worked together as a complete whole. Flowers loomed everywhere and everything inside was immaculate in color and cleanliness. About two hours later I realized this wasn't her house. This was the guest house! I about freaked out. What I mean is the bottom floor is really the guest quarters. The counter tops are granite...in the guest house. There are two bedrooms, a pretty little pink and blue parlor, a dining area for 12, a screened in patio that you could live in for years, and a living room with golf clubs and a piano...in the guest house. We settled in and found our rooms. We actually got the guest "house" all to ourselves. It was nice. Kind of like a really wonderful apartment, only it outfitted like a house. They keep many of their favorite things there. I would venture to guess it was almost the size of our house.

I couldn't keep my eyes off the gardens. Flowers loomed and flowed from every corner of the eye. There were two vegetable gardens full of large boxed gardens made with rows and rows of vegetables. Unique fences and gates surrounded these gardens and gave such an appealing texture. Surrounding these vegetable gardens were paths of all kinds of flowers. I wanted to run outside and soak it all in. But I had to be polite and say hi to everyone. And then I had to help with dinner. The kids were immediately excited about swimming. There's a covered pool house. The pool is as large as the one for our neighborhood. It has two guest bedrooms, a full bath, a full kitchen, tons of cushy patio furniture, and a table that seats 20. It is surrounded by beds and beds and beds of hydrangeas. Gorgeous hydrangeas in all colors!

And as far as the eye can see there is st. augustine grass that they have planted themselves, or at least hired someone to plant. It is all irrigated with a sprinkler system that uses treated and recycled waste water. They have a green house with four different rooms that is larger than our first apartment! Under the greenhouse shed they helped our kids make stepping stones for one of the pathways. They truly love kids and I think wish they had kids of their own. Right outside the house there is a patio with beautiful teak furniture and this large fireplace. There is nothing else to call it. It is made of a pink, peachy colored brick and on the mantle sits a little cupid. Just imagine english gardens and you will get the picture. And there along these pathways that surround this beautiful house are every imaginable flower that can grow in texas. And right now the lilies are blooming in all their glory.

If you were to walk right outside the screened in patio you would walk up to a fountain. The fountain is cement and it is about seven feet wide and five feet tall. You walk down a path from there and come upon a water garden enclosed with a large iron gate. When you enter your eye is immediately drawn to this little horse statue that they bought in nyc. The color of the bronze horse blends well with the plumbagos blooming everywhere. She planted in a secession of color on the outside of the garden. Shades of red turn to oranges and then yellows and then blues and then violets. All the way around. In the very middle is the goldfish pond. When you exit this garden you walk down the path of logic and reasoning. About 24 brick columns take you down a paved walkway to a gazebo. Wisteria grows wildly all the way down this path. The wisteria is growing on wooden slats overhead. The gazebo has 8 walls each 9 feet wide. Inside is nicer furniture than I'll ever have in my living room. It is all screened in to keep the skeeters out. Beyond this point is a tree house. Literally. And arbors. I cannot begin to tell you how many arbors there are. Do you know how long I have wanted a small little arbor for my backyard? And they have...many. I was just flabbergasted. I cannot say that you envy what they have. It is all too much to ever imagine obtaining. You just appreciate and feel inspired. You just stand there in disbelief with breath taken away. It is too much to believe really that a place this wonderful could exist. That a place this exquisite could have been created by two people... That they would share it when they feel it such a private part of who they are... It is really amazing.

And then, in the midst of these exquisite gardens, you feel anything must be possible.