Abe Books... I love it!!!!

Okay, I just ordered some books from my new favorite place to order books....Abe books. You should check it out. Most likely they have what you need and what you love.

BUT...as I checked out I thought the price was a little high. I ignored it. And then I noticed I accidentally ordered two books I had already ordered! Oh well. At least they were all so cheap that in the end I still saved money. But gheez. How old am I getting? I think they were in my basket and it wasn't until I signed in when ordering that those books popped up. I'll know to check next time. Never crossed my mind, but I'm sure they asked and I said it was okay.

The Enemy of Our Souls

Here's a post just for Tammie. I wanted to comment on her blog but then it just came out all weird. So I decided to spend some time on it here because it's exactly what I have been going through.

"You should clean,
your kids aren't doing their chores,
or enough school (we schooled until 5 yesterday),
they don't know anything,
you're doing TOO much school,
you should paint the walls,
your house is a mess,
you don't even have groceries planned out,
you spend too much money,
what do I do next???,
I'm so confused,
I can't even find a pencil,
or figure out a schedule for school,
you should have already mailed those packages a week ago,
you don't even have all the supplies you need,
loser,
I'm overwhelmed,
am I doing this right?,
I should play with Abby more".
These are all the thoughts and feelings I've been struggling with all week. And you know what? I believed it. This post is going to be a little preachy because I am fed up with the devil. And the anger you hear is directed at such a loser. I am not the loser.

So I will try to keep it short. It is the enemy of our souls who is prowling around like a lion seeking whom he can devour. He is telling us all these lies about ourselves. And that's just it. They are lies. Let me clarify. It is true that I need a schedule and I do need supplies, but it is NOT true that I am a loser because of it. Nor can I possibly get all the things done I think I should. God is real and true and good and because of HIM, not me, we will get to the end of this homeschooling road and see a beautiful success. Believe me. I have been in the thick of it.

It took another friend to help me see that it was the devil talking to me. Because the truth of it is that Tammie, your house is beautiful. If it weren't for kids I'd have sandwiches or cheese and crackers every night. I'm sure there were lots of nights that Jesus didn't cook a fancy dinner. And you ARE overwhelmed at work. You are stressed and need to take a load off at home. We do need to exercise, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it. The same friend is always encouraging me to just do 15 minutes of whatever it is that needs to be done. She says, "Just walk for 10 or 15 minutes. That's all you need, and it doesn't have to be every day. Just try 3 times a week. Just draw for 15 minutes, Tania. Just put all the junk in a basket and put it away for 15 minutes." I'm hoping this is helping and not just adding on piles of more guilt. Sometimes we need to hear new ideas or give ourselves permission to not do something. And sometimes we need to tell ourselves to just do whatever is bugging us for 15 minutes.

After having this realization this week I feel so much more aware. Not that I still haven't struggled with feeling overwhelmed, because I have! But it sounds like the enemy could be distracting both of us from finding that peace and rest that we so desperately need!

Another friend told me something cute this week. She homeschools, too. When her kids were little she'd always shake her head and say, "we're so behind. we're so behind. But, we're behind Jesus!". And if you knew her you'd know she really was. Now, her kids tell her that when she gets stressed that they are behind. Her point was to seek first the kingdom of God. And I realized that if I do that first every day (read His Word and pray) that NOTHING else matters in the whole day, it's all behind Jesus. I can rest assured that my to-do list of 1000 things can just wait and it's all in His hands if I place it there every morning. Now I take 10 or 15 minutes every day and read and pray. When I'm done I have so much peace that the most important thing has happened for the whole day.

So, I pass that on for what it's worth. I hope it brings you some courage to kick a little bootie!

And here's a quote that I have clung to for the past couple of days:

"God wants us to move through this day with a quiet heart & peaceful certainty that our lives are in His hands." Roy Lessin

Well, it sounded better for my situation, but maybe it'll help. I've also been writing scripture in my journal every day to help me focus on God's Word so that all the other voices will fade away. And I'd really like to hang more scripture around my house to help me remember His promises. BUT! I'm not going to feel guilty about it!

May I just say that all of us need to post more? This is getting ridiculous. You know what's going on here? Allergies. I am dizzy all day from my ears being clogged up. All blood tests came back fine. I was prescribed a nose spray that makes my throat feel like it's on fire. Fun. I get to choose between a fiery throat and not being able to stand up. Let's see....what do I feel like today? Well, I can tell you after not sleeping well last night I am not using the spray today.

Oh, and my mom gave me money to spend on some books. God bless you, Mom. I was so excited. I used it to purchase a schedule/literature program for Elizabeth that I had been drooling over. Relief. That's all I feel. Relief.

I haven't exercised in a week. Not easy to exercise when you can't really stand up straight. Wish I could make the letters to that last sentence drop off the edge or something.

We're trying a new math program this year. I cannot wait. It is new and called Math on the Level. You completely tailor each day to each child and what they need to learn. Lots of real life examples and games, charts, cooking, etc are thrown in each week in addition to just 5 daily review problems. Can you imagine? You can do more if you want. And you do a lot of practice problems for whatever concept is being taught. But no more endless pages of addition, subtraction, division etc. It specializes in teaching you how to combine several concepts into one problem so they can learn many, many concepts in one fell swoop. We need this so that we can focus on some other things like writing, history, science, etc.

Ah...Sweet Friendship!

I have met with a friend today who showed me her entire library of history books! She has such a wonderful array of books and ideas and curriculum. She said I could use it all for FREE! And it is so much better than the curriculum I wanted to purchase for $600! See how God closes one venue because He wants us to head in another direction!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

First Day of School and the Best Situations

WELL, it's begun. Though I deny it and say we are starting Tuesday, the reality is that we have begun. And like any other school ours lacks perfection. Everyone is still waking up bleary eyed, or maybe that's the bleariness from my eyes making everyone else look bleary...anyway, we're still working on that.

But once we are all dressed, and I do take the longest, we have gathered for two days in a row to discover something about the history of our nation. We have been gathering on this subject now for a year, but this is the farthest we have gotten lately. It makes for a little confusion, "You know that chapter we read a year ago before I went on bedrest? Yeah, that's what we're talking about."

And then there's the usual conversations I have to have with certain people that if they don't get their act together they will either be shipped off to school or we will have to move and stop all fun activity in order for them to attend private school. How do people afford private school? Do you know it costs over $700 a month? $700 a month! That is ridiculous. Incredulous. Really. That's two car payments or a mortgage payment (w/o the taxes). Really. So, today I have concluded that homeschooling is a poor man's private school, since we are legally thus. I spend less than one month's tuition on ALL of our books in one year; though, I could spend more..easily.

Which brings me to my other lament. I cried today. Something about the first day of school, and it has to do with previously mentioned persons complaining about previously mentioned school material. Anyway, I just feel so frustrated that often I cannot afford to purchase the materials I really want. I shelled out $225 last night for math, and need to purchase $60 more. Now this will cover two children, and it should last with them through 6th or 7th grade at least. But STILL! This realization that I will NEVER have all the materials I desire led me to change my science curriculum at the last minute today. I pulled out the science book we were supposed to do last year and started on it. I just made up my mind and did it. That saves me about $30. Not much, but it's a little. And you know what, it's wonderful! It wasn't anybody's first choice, but we're all enjoying it thoroughly.

But it does frustrate me to purchase a really great history curriculum and find the kids are confused. And it doesn't have anything to do with picking up from where we left off. They were confused then, too. It has gaps, and I'm trying to figure out how to fill in the gaps. My dream situation would be to shell out $600 (yes!) and purchase Elizabeth an entirely new curriculum for history and let us continue with what we are doing. But I'm not going to do that. I may try to find harder books for her at the library that will fill in the gaps better and challenge her a little more.

But education is interesting to me. People spend a lot of money on it. I am one of those said persons. But I have found I don't spend nearly as much as some and I'm sure I spend a whole lot more than others. But I cried today because I didn't have the money to do what I wanted, and I cried because I felt inferior as a teacher and a mother. I just felt like this whole year I could have done a better job of saving for books and their education in order to get the books I wanted. But now it's too late, and I feel kind of stuck with what we have. Well, somehow I'm going to have to make the most of what we have. And usually those are the best situations.

I'm feeling Better

It's taken me a couple of days to shake the sadness. But I'm doing better. I watered the dead lawn and flowers. That made me feel better. I guess I thought, "at least I tried." I'm planning a baby shower for a dear friend. Everything's monkeys, and it's so cute! I'll give more details later when she may not be reading this!

Micah and Elizabeth are painting her room. I haven't done a thing! Can you imagine? I didn't know this were possible. I thought my family was only capable of painting with my help. This sheds new light on things...like the living room could get painted without me!

Looking forward to seeing family next weekend. Rebecca has a meet today. I won't be going, but I'm excited for her.

Anybody want coffee? She's selling instant coffee for $30 a box. It's expensive but it contains ganoderma mushroom. Sounds gross, but you really can't taste or see mushrooms in your coffee. I think it's pretty darn good, and I hate instant coffee. Apparently, it makes a difference to spend a little more than on Folgers. (Which I really like Folgers for regular coffee).

I'm rambling and don't really have much to say. But my depression helped me see a few things around the house I want to do like paint, buy lamps, and possibly get a headboard. Oh, we HAVE to have more flowers around here.

That's all.

Sadness and Questions

We lost a dear friend last week. He used to be our next door neighbor. He was only 41. He was dear because he loved everybody. How do you come to grips with that? He knew the Lord. That is our comfort. But it has brought many questions to my mind. A week ago tonight I couldn't sleep either.

one. Is this it? i mean. I have a 13 year old, and I thought maybe we'd have deeper conversations by now. But sometimes I just feel like we're going through the motions. Like we're all just existing in this house with not much going on. Is this normal? Do most households feel this way at one point or another? I pictured us as a lively bunch. With lots of fun imaginable things going on here. Not happening. I kind of think we used to do more fun things when they were little. Now it's all about cleaning and taking everyone somewhere. I don't like it.

two. I still haven't painted my house. That's sounds silly to think about when someone dies. But really that's what I'm thinking about. So it must be important. I want to feel warm and cozy in my house, not like it's some empty shell.

three. R will be gone three nights a week starting next week, and I am saddened to the point that I can't hold back the tears. I don't think we'll be keepin' on with gymnastics for much longer. I know she wanted to go to the olympics, but I think we all know that is probably not very likely. I want my family to be home together every night possible! I want things to go back to the way they used to be before they all grow up and leave the house. Do you ever wish you could grab those days back? Those young days when you ate what you could scrape together. Christmases gone by. Happy days with friends. I miss all of that to the point that I taste bitterness in my mouth. I want us to be together! I might make it to October, and then I don't think I can do this anymore. And how do you come to grips with your kids growing up and leaving? I see now why some parents hang to their kids to the point of making them dependent until they're like 40 or something. They just want things to stay the same.

four. I want to be with friends. I want to be with my family. I want to be surrounded by people who love me and won't ever go away. I know. i can't control that and neither can they. But I don't like this arrangement that people can leave whenever. This is not our home. This is not our home. Our home is in Heaven. God is my Father, and I belong with Him forever.

five. I miss years ago when we knew we'd have park day every Thursday. Now the heat keeps it all away. And for some reason, then I didn't care if we didn't meet. What did I do with myself? I guess I went shopping. Bah! That takes money. Pooh. I wish I could just plop at someones house until I felt better.

six. I love God, and I am amazed at His workmanship. I love my family and my friends. I love my home, even though it feels a little empty right now. I love my little baby and pray God's peace on her. I pray God's peace on my friends, too, right now.