I have woken up two mornings in a row at 6:30 to see micah off to work. I have been so tired afterwards that I eat and go back to sleep for a few hours. Must be nice, eh? What's wrong with me? This weather just makes me want to curl up and sleep and sleep and sleep. Yesterday I literally accomplished nothing, and I think it was wonderful but I'm not sure exactly. I just missed micah so much after him being off for over 2 weeks, and I feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting school. I'm just tired. I miss running in the morning, but I'm really enjoying running with him. I just need a shift in my thinking or my psyche or something. I think this AM I will go for a short walk/jog and do some weight training. I need something to get the blood pumping and get me going today.
As I am writing the kids come upstairs and talk to me. Though I get irritated I am constantly reminding myself that this will not last for very long. That in itself sends me into a tailspin. What if they are not smart enough to function in this world? Will I accomplish everything scholastically for them? Lord, help me.
I read back over all my journal entries for 2008. There weren't very many, so it didn't take long. Apparently I only journal when I am in desperation. It reflected so much of how I feel today. Money problems, school doubts, co-op frustrations, overwhelming house chores, running ambitions, weight loss goals. I thought I could have written those entries this very morning! Though overall I do see the Lord's hand in all of those areas. We have paid off a good chunk of debt and Micah got a raise, even though I fretted for weeks about school the kids learned a lot, last night we completely restructured co-op so that I only have 5 lessons left to teach (and hopefully one class instead of 3), and the downstairs is as clean as it can possibly be. But I ask myself why is it that after 13 years of marriage we still do not have a headboard or a nice comforter or sheets without holes in them? It is difficult sometimes for me to prioritize where the money will be spent or how it will be saved.
And then I think of the children in other countries who barely have any rice to eat or a warm blanket. Then I just get quiet and thankful.
Maybe this will be the year that I am inspired to decorate our room on a small budget but make it look like I spent $10k. Maybe this will be the year that we somehow find an awesome deal on great living room furniture at some garage sale or resale shop. Maybe. I often wonder if it is so wrong to want to make my house look nice, not to spend a lot of money, but just to make it pretty. It takes so much to set up a house and keep it going. We spent 1 1/2 hours talking to our couple we mentor about finances. I hope that some inkling of what we said got through to them. I hope.
Well, for now I will go and stop depressing everyone. I need to go get some endorphins running.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Reflectively Draggin'
Posted by tpot at 7:17 AM
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2 comments:
You're not depressing anyone. You're just expressing what we all feel, one time or another. I ask myself the same questions about my house. "Why don't I have nice blankets for the guest room? Is it wrong to want a room that gets used so few time to be pleasant and pretty?" Plus, I have a really hard time doing things alone once Jess has done it with me. It takes a long time to get the enjoyment back into it. Hang in there! When you accomplish all your goals for this year, you'll be too tired to worry about it next year!
I can relate to all your worries as have had them all at some point in my life. Especially remember worrying about the kids and if I was doing enough, teaching enough, etc. Just keep going back to that proverbs verse--Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. God is so faithful--your kids will be fine. It really will all be ok. As long as we remember to put God first and be obedient to Him and his ways, it will all work out. Maybe not as WE had planned, but even better.
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